A Case of the Holiday Blues

Christmas is just a few days away, and I’m excited to spend some extra time with my family (assuming I get the day off work, which is still up in the air). But I can’t help but feel a little down lately…

As much as I said I didn’t have my hopes up about texting K on his birthday the other day, I think it still bummed me out that we didn’t talk really. All it was, was me saying ‘happy birthday K’, he didn’t reply until the next morning when he said “thank you :)’ and so I just said ‘:)’. I didn’t expect anything, I was even surprised that he responded at all, but i guess I really did hope that we would talk more.. I guess I could have said more once he did reply, but I don’t want to be pushy…

I know it probably sounds weird, but I just feel like he is the only one who understands what I’m feeling… He’s been there. He’s felt what I’m feeling now. I know he was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. I know he waited for along time, and hoped for a long time… And then once he was able to let go and move on, then I was the one feeling those things…. I just wish I could talk to him and maybe get some closure… Like what I was trying to get back in May when we last talked, when I was basically asking him to be harsh and tell me there was no chance ever for us again (which he didn’t do- trying to be nice or spare my feelings or whatever).

Well, a month and a half after that he proposed, so I don’t see what the big deal was and why he couldn’t have just flat out told me NO. And I know that’s my answer, but I still just feel like talking to him might help me let go. I wish I could ask him how long it took him before he was able to let me go and move on from me. Maybe that would give me some clue as to when I will finally be over him. Maybe it took him 2 and a half years, so maybe in another 3 months (when I reach 2 and a half years of missing him) I’ll be able to not care anymore.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really feel stupid for not being able to move on. I cried earlier, after hearing a country song (“What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen). It’s literally exactly what I’m feeling. He’s engaged and I still keep hoping deep down that there may still be a chance. I’m delusional…

I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be, God has someone better planned for me, maybe it wasn’t as good or a true as my mind is making it out to be… I tell myself all these things and more to help myself move on and let go. But it isn’t helping. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling, even though I know it should, especially since he’s engaged now. He wants her. Maybe if I say it enough, I will get it..?

I was thinking about it the other day, and I think numb is the exactly right word for how I feel. All the time. Numb. Closed off. I don’t let people in, not right now, I can’t. I’ve been hurting so long, so somehow I just shut down. I don’t expect anything from any of the new guys I meet. I didn’t expect K to talk to when when I texted him the other day (and he didn’t). I don’t really feel excited about anything. I think the only time I feel anything else is when I’m with my baby nephew or my two nieces. And even then, it’s only temporary….

I want love. I want anything to take away from the sadness, regret, loneliness, and heartache that I constantly feel. I guess you could even say I want to be distracted from all the things I still feel for and about K. But I also just want to feel love again just to experience that high you get, who wouldn’t? I want someone who i can turn to, open up to, to comfort me when I need it. To be my equal and walk side by side with me in my life… I want babies. My biological clock has been ticking for over a year now, and I feel the ache of not having babies. I see my older sister and my cousins all with their babies, and I long for the time when it’s my turn…

Gosh, how much longer do I have to suffer?! Why do I still care? Why do I still cry over him, still want him, still hope there is a way it will work out???

Maybe with the new year coming I’ll be able to find a way to get a new beginning….

xoxo Aly

To Do or Not To Do….

K’s birthday is in 2 days… The last 2-3 years I’ve texted him a simple ‘Happy birthday K’ and we ended up talking for hours each time… Last year I wasn’t sure if I should, I debated it all day long before finally texting him at like 3 in the afternoon, but I ended up being happy I did because we talked until 5 am.

I don’t know if I should this year though. Well, actually, I know I probably shouldn’t. He’s engaged. Maybe I should just leave him alone and let him be happy. But I want to text him. With no expectations, of course. I didn’t have any expectations last year, and that turned out ok for me…. Just a simple, ‘happy birthday’. What could it hurt??

I feel so lame, that I look forward to his birthday each year just because it’s the one day I have a valid reason to text him.

Part of me is curious if he would reply back this year. I wonder if he will ask how I’m doing with everything, like he did last year. I wonder if he still would care enough to see how I’m doing, trying to move on and heal from him, like he did last year.

But is there anything good that can come from it? Maybe some closure on my part… I don’t know what to do… I’ve been going back and forth on what I’ll do for a couple days now. And I’m sure I’ll change my find several times the next few days as well…

xoxo Aly

Body Language

Last night, I saw Mat again. And with all my thinking lately about how I’m not sure how I feel towards him, I couldn’t help but be hyper aware of my body language towards him. I definitely think it is unconscious, but then I began to pay attention to how I am around him… And I was noticing it all night!

When we sit on the couch next to each other, I sit with my feet up to the side of me, in-between us. Comfy way for me to sit, but why don’t I sit the other way, leaning towards him? I prop myself up on the arm furthest from him, basically leaning my body away from him, not towards him… He always initiates hanging out, he is always the one to lean for a kiss first.

A few times we’ve gone into his room to lay down and talk.. The first time, I stayed sitting up at the foot of his bed while he was laying down. Last night, he wanted to cuddle.. Even though my body may have seemed relaxed, on the inside I was tense and stiff.. I noticed that i kept one arm across my stomach, kind of a self defensive thing that I do sometimes. He tried to kiss me more than a peck, and I just felt awkward.. You know that kind of awkward kiss where you both aren’t sure where to move or if you should do it? Well, anyway, we didn’t end up kissing with tongue.. lol

I feel closed off. And I don’t think I feel sparks or chemistry towards him, even though on paper he is the kind of guy I would want… I feel like I should like him more than I actually do

And it sucks because he is definitely more interested in me than I am in him.. And I hate hurting people!

I guess I’m just confused what to do.. I’m not sure if I don’t feel anything towards him because I’m not attracted or if I’m keeping myself closed off. Could I feel more towards him if I try to open up? Or am I just comfortable and used to settling that I can easily just slide back into that habit? Or do I really just not feel anything towards him?

I feel like it’s going to take a lot for me to open up to someone. He’s going to have to be pretty special. I feel like Ive learned and been through enough that I couldn’t “settle” even if I tried.. Maybe that’s where I’m at now.. I feel like I deserve to feel butterflies and sparks, at least in the beginning of a relationship. And I don’t feel that with Mat… And I feel like anything less is settling.

So maybe there’s my answer… I just want to say that I honestly gave it a good shot, tried to stick it out and tried to see if there was anything there.. I don’t like giving up.

Any advice?

xoxo Aly.

In Other News…

I haven’t even blogged about my vacation or anything else lately, so I figured today is a good day to focus on the other things that have been going on in my life!

My cruise to the eastern caribbean was amazing!! We also spent 2 days in Miami, and that was incredibly fun too!! We found this little bar/restaurant on the bay that had incredible food and the best happy hour! We went to South Beach for the day too, went shopping a little and just explored.. Once we finally got on the ship, I was amazed at how huge it was! There were sooo many different places to eat and things to do.. Even on the days we were at sea, there was more than enough stuff to do! Our ports were St Maarten, St Thomas and Nassau, Bahamas.. All of them were just how you picture the caribbean being- colorful buildings, tropical warm/humid weather, beaches to die for!! The water is so clear and warm, and fish just come right up to you! It’s actually kind of unnerving.. lol

I think St Thomas was my favorite stop because we saw so many creatures! A small octopus, a sea turtle, iguanas… we took tours of each port, but on St Thomas, I rented a snorkel and mask, so I was able to swim out and see them.. I literally hung out on the surface, like no more than 10 feet above the sea turtle, just watching him eat… It was sooooo cool!!

All in all, it was an incredible trip… Much needed, for sure! And I’m already planning my next cruise, this time to the Mediterranean in 2016!

In further news, I’m just about done with David. I texted him twice before I left, and he didn’t reply for over 3 weeks, until just the other day… And the text he finally did send me sounded and felt more like a pen-pal letter than a text to someone you were dating and hadn’t talked to in 3 and a half weeks! It was laughable, really… I didn’t even know what to say or how to respond, so I haven’t yet.. It’s been like 2 and a half days..

You know what? I think you guys just need to hear it…

Oh Alyssa, I hope you have been well, and that your cruise was amazing. I do think about you often. It’s snowed here the other day, not much, but enough to make me smile. I can’t wait for more. I’ve been sick for a while now, somehow got a respiratory infection and have been concocting home remedies to combat it, finally beginning to feel better. Chuck is such a happy dog here. I’ve been spending so much time with him and training and he’s developing into quite the perfect dog. My coworkers have convinced me to participate in “no shave november”. I already look half homeless after not shaving through October, but at the least my face will be warm I miss you, I will always be thinking good thoughts and sending them your way.

Seriously buddy?! I couldn’t help but laugh.. Is it just me or does it sound like someone writing a letter to a pen pal?

Anyone have advice for me? Should I respond? If so, what do I even say to that??

xoxo Aly.

Lost and Confused

I’ve spent a lot of time the last two days asking myself a lot of deep questions.. I’m trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I think I’ve just gotten used to ignoring what I’m feeling because for the longest time, K was all that was on my mind and in my heart and it just became too painful.

I physically felt like I had a huge hole through my gut and a thousand knives stabbing my heart… And I felt like that for months and months before it started to go away. Even now, when I feel that sadness and regret from that situation with K, I reject the pain, push it down and away so that hole doesn’t come back and swallow me up.

But then again, I torture myself by checking K’s Facebook page. I do a few times a week.. Call me crazy, call me a stalker.. I can’t help it. Maybe I do it because I need to know if anything changes, like if he gets engaged or even becomes single again. Either way. I need to know before someone else has to tell me. Or maybe I do it because I’m hoping constantly seeing him happy and still with his girlfriend will eventually make me get it through my thick skull that it is over and there is no hope of it ever changing.

Anyway…. I closed myself off. I got used to being alone and not being intimately open with anyone.

And then I met David. And I thought I felt something. First time I saw him, I had this weird feeling all over. Nerves and happy and pleasantly surprised (because it was a blind date). And he was refreshingly nice and polite and complimentary and cute. I was physically attracted to him, but also taking to him during our first date we just had so much in common personality wise… I was excited at the potential that was there…

And then he got sick and I didn’t see him for like 10 days. After a week of talking, that kind of put a damper on things.. And I have been worried and reserved because I didn’t want to fall too hard too fast. And then he decided to move back to Tahoe…. And because I knew he was leaving I kept myself from getting too attached..

So I’ve been questioning if its even worth it now. I’ve kept him at arms length and now maybe I have pushed him away too far for me to now invest my time and emotions in him, regardless of how I first felt… Maybe I sabotaged this.

And there is always K in the back of my mind. Why can’t I get rid of it? Is it for a reason? Is it an excuse not to get into anything with a new guy? I have never felt anything close to how deeply and thoroughly in love I was with K, before or since. It was real love.. And maybe I’m wrong for comparing everything to that one relationship.. But how I felt when I was with him is how I want to feel when I find my Mr Right.

But then again, if I don’t open up how can I ever feel that close to someone? You have to open up and communicate and let people in if I’m going to feel intimate and fall in love again.

Easier said than done…

I don’t know if its possible to be close to David now that he’s moved.. Should I just cut my losses and let it go? Or should I just try to open up and see where it goes?

I haven’t even heard from him in 2 days. Nothing since he moved. Even before he would at least text me good morning it good night, or an “I’m thinking about you”… And I am not going to text him first. He is the one who moved, and he should be the one to make more of an effort to reach out to me.. Agree or disagree you guys??

But at the end of the day, I’m just confused.. I’m trying to figure out what I want.. I mean, I know I want love, and if I could be guaranteed I was with the right one, I would want to settle down and have kids right away.. But more specifically, I don’t know what to do about David and my residual, lingering, persisting feelings about K.

End ramble..

Xoxo guys!
Aly

Unsure

I can’t help but think of my ex K, who I still feel like i have feelings for. Its been a year and a half or so since I first started thinking about him again. At the time, I was still in a relationship, albeit a very unhealthy and unhappy one with J. And now it’s been 14 months since I’ve been single again. And I can’t stop myself from thinking about him every day. Like it or not. Just little things will remind me of him, or I’ll think about if he is at work today, or what i’d do if I saw him randomly…

The first 10 months or so of feeling these things I felt so sure that I still loved him and that he had been my soul mate. And that things could still work out for us one day… And maybe it’s been the time, but I don’t feel as absolutely sure as I did then… Maybe I’m realizing that it would be impossible. But deep down, I still feel like i can’t let go of him and hopes that one day maybe things could be different. Better than last time. Maybe that wasn’t “our time.” Honestly, I don’t think I want to let go, even though at times I wish i could, or would… But I really do still feel something… It isn’t going away, although my certainty about it is getting more clouded. Maybe the more time that passes, the more I am starting to doubt myself, doubt that there is anything still there, doubt that it could maybe work out some day…

I am so unsure now. I feel like the progress I’ve made is being taken back, because I am not sure about anything now… The news of my ex J knocking up some chick after a couple months still has me a little rattled. I think I’ve mostly accepted it, and realized why I was feeling the things I was feeling. I’ve let go of the hurt I was feeling about that situation… He is no longer a part of my life, for very good reasons, and it should not affect my life. Just because I don’t have those things yet doesn’t mean I never will…. And I know that when I do find someone, it’s going to be a good man because I’ve learned that I can’t settle anymore for less than I deserve. And it’ll be worth the wait…

But as for K, I’m just not as sure anymore… I try to let go. I try to move on. But I can’t, and I don’t fully understand why… There was something really special there, and if I don’t feel something that strong with someone else, it just points me back to him.. Does that make sense? But I don’t even really know where he stands. He does still have a girlfriend, of 2 years. I’ve only talked to him twice since everything’s come back up for me… But those two times, I felt like there was still something. Just the way he was talking/texting.. It was like no time had passed. We went right back to talking like we used to. Even through text he could tell how I was feeling, that something was bothering me… And the second time, he even asked how I was really doing with everything (meaning how i was dealing with my feelings of guilt and stuff toward him)… Idk… I just don’t know anymore!!!! I go back and forth multiple times a day… I’m tired….

If it can’t be him, my K, why can’t I just meet someone else already?! I ask God this all the time… Just please, God, if I’m not meant to be with K, please just let me find the guy I am supposed to be with… I need to feel loved. I need attention. I need that intimacy… I’m tired of being strong and single and alone all the time and pretending like it doesn’t always get to me sometimes. I have everyone around me saying, “Oh I can’t believe you are still single! All these guys must be crazy… You’ll find someone soon…” I wish people would stop bringing it up!!! It just makes me more mad at myself for giving up on K when we were together. Even though I wasn’t as emotionally healthy and wasn’t able to talk about my feelings… It wouldn’t have worked when I was like that, but now I am so different…… Better…

Ugh. I feel like I’m just angry, emotionally rambling now… I guess I’ll go.. It’s hard to be unsure about things in life.. It definitely wears on you….

~Aly.

It’s Me, Not the Situation

So my last two (i think) blogs have mentioned my current emotional crisis about my ex J having another baby. And my confusion about all the mix of emotions I’ve been feeling since finding out this information…. And then yesterday, I found out some great news that a very close family member is pregnant! And as excited and happy I am about this new revelation, I found myself still overwhelmed by a mix of emotions…

I got in my car and cried all the way home, cried during a hot bath, cried before I fell asleep… And I hate that I feel a little sad about it. Literally I was praying to God to take this pain I was feeling because I didn’t want to feel sad finding out such wonderful news! I am happy for them, and happy that a new little baby is going to be a part of my family.. I asked myself why this news, which is so great, upset me just as much as the shock of finding out my ex knocked his manager up after a few months of us being broken up…. And I can only think that it’s me, not the situation, that I am struggling with.

With my ex, I think part of it was shock at finding out that not only was he dating someone new, but she was around 7-8 months pregnant. Part of it is because NONE of my coworker “friends” who work with my ex still, never told me, even though I’ve talked to some of them and hung out with some of them since this happened.. No one mentioned it. And I feel stupid for not knowing and finding out the fact almost at the end of the pregnancy!

But mostly, I think what bothered me the most was the fact that within a year he found someone and is having another baby, and I’m not. Jealousy I guess you would say… Even though I’ve heard he isn’t happy with the girl, and seems to regret the fact that he’s having a baby boy with her. I keep trying to remind myself that I know my worth, and I’m not going to settle for the first person who shows up. I know that I am trying to do things the right way, and that it will be sooooo worth it when I have these things… But I’m still sad and hurt… I can’t help it. Because I haven’t found anyone in this last year of being single. I haven’t gotten (as far as I can see) any closer to getting the man and life I want. And then there is him, even if he isn’t the happiest about his situation, who is getting those things. So I think that’s some of it….

But with my family member, I don’t think it’s jealousy.. Or sadness that they’re having another baby.. But just the fact that I have another reminder around me of my singleness.. Does that make sense? I’m completely happy about the situation, but for my own selfish reasons, I feel this aching, hollow feeling that I am not getting these things yet. Separate from the fact that she is having a baby.. But brought about by finding out. I feel like I’m not making sense…

It’s just that every where I look, I hear and see about people I know having babies and being pregnant. All over my Facebook, within my close family, my ex, my ex’s 2 sisters, my 3-years-younger-than-me cousin, friends from high school expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby… Everywhere! I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like at 25, I should be further along than where I really am.

I am trying to be okay with being single. And for the most part I am. But being alone and lonely is my biggest struggle right now… And then I find all this stuff out. And I feel like I’ve been slapped by Life. I feel like the Universe is poking at my deepest, darkest wounds with a sharp stick. Kicking me back down when I’m trying to get back up. Here I am, wanting nothing more than to finally find the right guy, the One who I am going to be happy with and share the rest of my life with, and within the last 13 months, haven’t found anyone yet while everyone around me is moving forward in their lives. I feel like I’m not moving forward.

I guess there isn’t really anything I can do to feel better about it though… I obviously have to accept the situation with my ex. I have my family member’s baby to look forward to. But nothing can really take away the feelings I have… It’s something I guess I’ll just have to work on myself, since I am the problem here… Idk…

Sorry I’m so scatter-brained today… I’ve been a rough couple days…

~Aly

How would You feel?

Ok, so i got some news today while hanging out with an old coworker friend… She still works with my ex, J, and mentioned that he not only has a girlfriend, but she is pregnant. Pregnant enough to know that they’re expecting a boy… so at least 6-7 months. and we only broke up a year ago. He only met her no more than 9-10 months ago… And my friend who told me said that he didn’t seem happy, like he didn’t want the baby, and that he didn’t seem happy with the girl. Like he didn’t want to be with her very much. Tired of her already or something…

Idk. It’s just weird to me. I feel a mix of emotions about it… About 5 months ago he started texting me and being flirty and hinting that he wanted to hook up and stuff.. But obviously his new girlfriend was pregnant by then, or at least he was talking to/dating/hooking up with her at that point. And it’s not like I wanted to have kids with him… Our relationship was very unhealthy. He was controlling and manipulative and suspicious for no reason.. I was never happy, even though we dated 3 ½ years, my longest relationship. I could never be myself with him. I was a shell of the person I was before, a ghost compared to who I have become since….

But still… Idk what to feel or think about it… I obviously want more than anything to find my partner in life and start a family. And now I’m seeing him have his 2nd son. Even though I don’t want to be with him, the last thing he said to me was that he didn’t want to date anyone else. If it couldn’t be me, he didn’t want to search for anyone else… Even as he was saying it, I knew it to be another game, another form of manipulating me into staying. Needless to say, it didn’t work. But still. A guy says things to you, part of you wants to believe it. It’s flattering, I guess. Made me feel a little better about myself. And then he goes and finds someone else within 2-3 months, and knocks her up within 2 more months….

Part of me is glad I dodged that bullet. Im so thankful I never had a kid with him, and have to deal with him for the rest of my life… And I guess a part of me is a little jealous that he is having another baby, something I can’t wait for in my own life. And then there is a part of me that thinks the whole thing is karma! Payback bitch.. that’s what you get for being a dog, trying to hook up with me when u were already with her! that’s what you get for not being “safe” or smart about hooking up with someone. Childish as it sounds, I kind of feel glad that he is in a not-so-great situation. But maybe a little jealous. Maybe a little sad. Idk what I feel or should think…

And mostly I’m glad it’s not K who is having a baby.. Even though I’m not as sure as I was a few months ago about K, I still care more about him than I did for J. I don’t know what I would do if K and his gf were having a baby. I don’t know how I would accept it and cope… It would be 1000x worse.. Because I do still wish things could change and we could still maybe possibly have another chance in the future.. I don’t know if that’s how God has it planned for me, but its still what I hope for deep down..

What would you think?

~Aly