To Do or Not To Do….

K’s birthday is in 2 days… The last 2-3 years I’ve texted him a simple ‘Happy birthday K’ and we ended up talking for hours each time… Last year I wasn’t sure if I should, I debated it all day long before finally texting him at like 3 in the afternoon, but I ended up being happy I did because we talked until 5 am.

I don’t know if I should this year though. Well, actually, I know I probably shouldn’t. He’s engaged. Maybe I should just leave him alone and let him be happy. But I want to text him. With no expectations, of course. I didn’t have any expectations last year, and that turned out ok for me…. Just a simple, ‘happy birthday’. What could it hurt??

I feel so lame, that I look forward to his birthday each year just because it’s the one day I have a valid reason to text him.

Part of me is curious if he would reply back this year. I wonder if he will ask how I’m doing with everything, like he did last year. I wonder if he still would care enough to see how I’m doing, trying to move on and heal from him, like he did last year.

But is there anything good that can come from it? Maybe some closure on my part… I don’t know what to do… I’ve been going back and forth on what I’ll do for a couple days now. And I’m sure I’ll change my find several times the next few days as well…

xoxo Aly

Lost and Confused

I’ve spent a lot of time the last two days asking myself a lot of deep questions.. I’m trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I think I’ve just gotten used to ignoring what I’m feeling because for the longest time, K was all that was on my mind and in my heart and it just became too painful.

I physically felt like I had a huge hole through my gut and a thousand knives stabbing my heart… And I felt like that for months and months before it started to go away. Even now, when I feel that sadness and regret from that situation with K, I reject the pain, push it down and away so that hole doesn’t come back and swallow me up.

But then again, I torture myself by checking K’s Facebook page. I do a few times a week.. Call me crazy, call me a stalker.. I can’t help it. Maybe I do it because I need to know if anything changes, like if he gets engaged or even becomes single again. Either way. I need to know before someone else has to tell me. Or maybe I do it because I’m hoping constantly seeing him happy and still with his girlfriend will eventually make me get it through my thick skull that it is over and there is no hope of it ever changing.

Anyway…. I closed myself off. I got used to being alone and not being intimately open with anyone.

And then I met David. And I thought I felt something. First time I saw him, I had this weird feeling all over. Nerves and happy and pleasantly surprised (because it was a blind date). And he was refreshingly nice and polite and complimentary and cute. I was physically attracted to him, but also taking to him during our first date we just had so much in common personality wise… I was excited at the potential that was there…

And then he got sick and I didn’t see him for like 10 days. After a week of talking, that kind of put a damper on things.. And I have been worried and reserved because I didn’t want to fall too hard too fast. And then he decided to move back to Tahoe…. And because I knew he was leaving I kept myself from getting too attached..

So I’ve been questioning if its even worth it now. I’ve kept him at arms length and now maybe I have pushed him away too far for me to now invest my time and emotions in him, regardless of how I first felt… Maybe I sabotaged this.

And there is always K in the back of my mind. Why can’t I get rid of it? Is it for a reason? Is it an excuse not to get into anything with a new guy? I have never felt anything close to how deeply and thoroughly in love I was with K, before or since. It was real love.. And maybe I’m wrong for comparing everything to that one relationship.. But how I felt when I was with him is how I want to feel when I find my Mr Right.

But then again, if I don’t open up how can I ever feel that close to someone? You have to open up and communicate and let people in if I’m going to feel intimate and fall in love again.

Easier said than done…

I don’t know if its possible to be close to David now that he’s moved.. Should I just cut my losses and let it go? Or should I just try to open up and see where it goes?

I haven’t even heard from him in 2 days. Nothing since he moved. Even before he would at least text me good morning it good night, or an “I’m thinking about you”… And I am not going to text him first. He is the one who moved, and he should be the one to make more of an effort to reach out to me.. Agree or disagree you guys??

But at the end of the day, I’m just confused.. I’m trying to figure out what I want.. I mean, I know I want love, and if I could be guaranteed I was with the right one, I would want to settle down and have kids right away.. But more specifically, I don’t know what to do about David and my residual, lingering, persisting feelings about K.

End ramble..

Xoxo guys!

Follow your heart or your brain?

Is it better to follow your heart or your mind?

If you feel something in your heart so strongly, do you owe it to yourself to hold into hope that it can one day happen?

Or do you listen to your mind that tells you that it is too late, that 4 1/2 years is too long a time to fix things, that he has moved on and you need to too?

Do you listen to that voice in your head that says you are crazy and pathetic for still thinking you could get a second chance, or that other little voice, that little flutter in your heart, that deep enduring assuredness that tells you he was the one, your soul mate?

I don’t know if I’m crazy or a hopeless romantic or what… I feel so conflicted. I feel like I am being torn in two. I don’t know what’s real, what side of me I should listen to. It’s depressing, this feeling. Not knowing. Not being sure which part of me is right, what I should do.