Halloween Night

Today marks one year since I found out K was engaged. Seems like a lifetime ago… And yesterday marked 5 months since they got married..

It’s been such a tough week. I’ve really been struggling. I need to let go of all this. I want to be over him. I don’t want to keep living my life this way. I don’t know what else I can do though.. 

6 years, 1 month since he and I broke up. 3 years, 1 month since I realized I still loved him and the regrets set in. 1 year since I found out they were engaged. 5 months since they got married. This is what my life has come to… Fixating and counting on all these days..

When does it stop? When do i get to move on? Why can’t I forget? When do I get to find someone and be happy too?

Everyone likes to say “Time heals all wounds” but does it really?? When?! I’ve yet to experience it, even though I pray for it every day. For a long time I didn’t want to be over him… But I do now, and I have wanted to for a long time too… 

I don’t understand why I still am so hurt and upset and regretful.. It’s been sooooo long. He’s a stranger to me, now. He’s a distant memory from my past, or at least he should be. I don’t know him anymore. I haven’t seen him in years… 

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of this hurt inside of me. It’s like a huge hole right through the center of me, that won’t heal. 

I want to forget him. Or at least not care anymore. Why can’t he be like any of my other exes in my mind? I don’t think about them, or care about what they’re doing. I never even cried after breaking up with J…. 

But here I am, laying in bed on Halloween night, feeling like a crazy person, crying over a man I loved 6 years ago. Doesn’t help that I am feeling really insecure about my body today. I feel fat and unattractive.. Ugh.. Something needs to change..

Happy fucking Halloween. 

Xoxo Aly.

Therapy

It’s been too long since I’ve written. This right here, this is my therapy. This is where I can come to speak my mind and heart. Even if no one is listening, even if it’s just for myself, to get these things going on inside of me out into the universe, that’s perfectly fine by me.

I stopped writing on here after I found out K did get married. Ugh- it still stings to even write it out. And just like every other thing in life I don’t want to face or deal with, I ran away from blogging so that I wouldn’t have to. Funny how one little personality trait can manifest in so many aspects. Really though- I hate “talks” in relationships, I avoid conflict with anyone like it’s the plague, if someone asks me out and I don’t want to hurt their feelings by saying “No” I just don’t respond… And I stopped writing to avoid dealing with talking about how finding out he was married crushed me. It doesn’t change the facts. I knew it would come… I guess I just wasn’t ready to open my heart and mind for a while, while I digested it. I haven’t been ready to face this hurting, but I think I need to now.

For about 3 months, I didn’t do so well. It wasn’t quite as dark as when I found out he had gotten engaged. At least the engagement itself was a clue that marriage was coming. But what could I do? Nothing. There was nothing I could have done, so I started to accept it and let go. I guess I shouldn’t use past tense, huh? I have been doing better. I am doing better. But I am human, and these feelings will never leave me. This scar will always be there, He will always be a sore spot for me, his name and memory will always be a tender area in my heart.

And today was tough. It was a really, really hard day. Work was rough- I don’t think I really like my new job very much. The people are nice enough, but just the feel of the offices I just don’t like.. I’m really feeling lonely today as well. I’m crying as I type- it’s been a few weeks since I’ve cried over K, I think. Everything is a lesson, I know I know… I’ll “do better next time”.. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This hurt has not gotten any better or easier. I think I’m just learned to cope and deal with it better. This hole in my heart still hurts as bad as it did 3 years ago when I first began realizing my regrets about letting go of K. It feels like a hole going right through the middle of me, ripping me apart from the inside out.

These days are further and further between now. So I guess that’s progress. Gosh- I was doing so good this weekend. Really, the last two weeks have been excellent. Why did today have to go this way? There were no triggers, that I can think of. Nothing different than any other day. I kind of think of it as a bubble that’s deep down, and every once in a while, that bubble is going to rise to the surface. As long as something is there, it’s always going to continue to bubble up. Like magma and a volcano…

Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better. I’ll fall asleep fast from all this crying, and I won’t dream of him, and tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, these tears and this pain tonight will seem like the dream…

xoxo Aly

Fears

It’s been more than six and a half years since K and I broke up. ((Gosh, has it really been so long?!))

More than 3 and a half years since I was able to realize my mistake and started living with this daily regret.

Two weeks since W Day. 

I’ve cried it out. Drank it away. Prayed and wished to forget him, to not remember him at all because, as awful as it is, I would rather not remember him anymore than keep living with this hurt. Especially now that he is officially married.

God… He’s married…

I’ve been living with this regret so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to live without it.

I’ve tried moving on, dating guys, ignoring/not thinking about it or him. 

I know God has someone for me, even if it’s not K like I had hoped. And I know one day I’ll have a family, babies and a husband… As always, my fears are that I will never get over K.

That one day my future husband will come to know or resent the fact that I wished he was some other man. Or that my future kids will find out I wanted someone else more than their own father. That I wished they were my kids with another man…

You see, I can’t imagine not caring or getting over K. I can’t imagine getting to that point where I won’t regret it or think about it anymore… It’s an unwanted second-nature to me. He’ll always be there. In the back of my mind, tucked away in a deep corner of my heart…

And I fear the consequences that will lead to in my future.

Do I sound completely crazy yet? Am I making and sense at all??

Well, I’ve been crying while writing this entire post, so I’m going to go straighten myself out and put on my mask of being OK.

Xoxo aly

Balance

It’s been 7 days since K got married. 4 days since I found out.

I am going through ups and downs… It’s mostly at night that I cry. Driving home from work. Laying in bed while trying to fall asleep. During the rest of my days, I just feel numb. My heart feels dead. I don’t feel anything in my heart anymore. Except the occasional sharp, stabbing pain when I remember that this is real.

I got some great news that I finally got a temporary (90 day) job at a hospital. I’ve been trying for over 2 years to get hired on at one of the local hospitals. Just as reception/front desk. So that’s great. I’m really excited and happy, because I’ve been so down on myself lately. Feeling like I have nothing going for me. And then God sends me this gift of a job.. He must have known I really needed it…

But I can’t help but be sad… What wouldn’t I give up or trade to have it be me he was with, married to?

He’s married.

He’s married.

He’s married.

I keep telling myself. Well, I go back and forth between telling myself, and not allowing my mind to even think about him and it.

It’s real. I get it. I know it. But at the same time it doesn’t feel real.

It hurts too much. Does it sound awful that I wish I didn’t remember him?? I pray, over and over, to forget, to not remember, to not care…

I’m tired of hurting. I don’t know what it’s like to not hurt, to not regret, to be happy…

Funny how like tries to balance itself out, isn’t it? Find out one day the worst news possible, then the very next day get a call for an interview and offered the job 2 days later. Not ideal, but the job is probably the best of things that could possibly happen for me right now. The best and the worst, just days apart.

*sigh*

hope everyone is having a nice weekend so far..

xo Aly.

Dark Dreams

I found out today, K is married now. He got married on Saturday. I cried for over an hour. Hyperventilating. Sick to my stomach. Felt like I was going to pass out.

Now, I just feel like I’m in a dream. This can’t be my reality…

I feel that hole in my stomach, in my soul. Jagged, sharp, hurting, and hollow.

I knew this day would come. I’ve been dreading it for 3 years. When I found out last October that he was engaged, I took it hard, but there was still that tiny glimmer of hope in my soul.

And now that’s crushed too.

Dust in the wind.

.

.

.

-A.

To the Ends of the Earth

I run- searching, (for what I do not know)- but I am running.

Escaping this prison of memories.

In every direction, I am reminded.

I am trapped, by my own mind, if nothing else.

How many can truly say they know the exact moment they went wrong? The one moment that, had it been different, would change the course of their lives?

Even still, I see so clearly the life I could have had. As if looking through another dimension to see what my life could be in a parallel world.

I’m not glorifying the past. That’s not what all this is. It’s about who he was, and what we had together. That’s what’s hard for me to get over, I guess. There hasn’t been anyone else I’ve met like him.

I am haunted by memories and regrets. I wish I wasn’t. I try not to be. I sit, like a child with their hands over their ears and saying ‘I’m not listening!’ but my own version goes more like ‘don’t go there. don’t think about it. think of something else. don’t let your mind go there.’

Ignoring it doesn’t really help anything. And I doubt running away from it will either, but I’m going to see… Long story about how it came about, but I’m heading to Costa Rica for a week in the middle of April. Like 2 weeks away from now. I’m a little nervous to fly alone, but I am staying with a family member who is renting a house down in a nice area of Costa Rica, so once I’m there, I know I’ll be good.

I need to get away. I need to be distracted. I need to stop this hurt I am feeling. Even if it only lasts for a week…

Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

xoxo Aly.

I’ve been missing you…

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sat down to blog, and I completely missed it (and all of you!!).. Life’s been up and down.. I’ve been busy with work, and stress, and life. I don’t think I realized how helpful blogging has been for me, it’s been my therapy and outlet to analyze myself. It gives me the chance to get out things that have happened, look at them, and analyze how I feel about them…

I’ve missed, and needed it…

The last few weeks I would say I’ve been in another period of depression.. Everything combined has piled up and overwhelmed me.. Work is stressful, finding a new job hasn’t been going well, I’ve somehow gained a ton of weight and cannot seem to get it off no matter how much I change my eating habits or workout.. I don’t feel comfortable in my body right now, at ALL. And that makes it very hard to have a positive attitude sometimes.. I feel uncomfortable, and fat, and unattractive… I know that isn’t the case, but it’s just how I feel at the moment…

I also joined a dating site last month.. Hoping maybe some attention would help boost my self-esteem. I just feel lonely, and I do feel ready to find someone… The process, however, has been slower and tougher than I thought… I find myself anxious at the thought of meeting up with someone when I’m this weight. I don’t want to be judged as I am now, because it’s about 10 pounds over the most I’ve ever weighed before this… And I feel like I’m not giving these guys a chance, really, because I find myself looking for my ex, K, or someone to be him.. And that’s not fair to them.. They can’t fill his shoes. They can’t be him. But I feel like subconsciously I’ve been trying to find someone to replace him, or be him, or whatever…

It still hurts to think about him, which I still do often… I don’t try to, but I do. It makes me nauseous to think about him proposing, or being engaged, or thinking about him marrying her, them having kids… Them having the life I could have had with him instead… It literally makes me sick. Whenever he pops into my head, I have to tell myself, “No! Don’t go there.. Don’t think about it.. You can’t go there!” I guess I just still have so much regret there, and I don’t know how to get rid of it… I wish I could have changed things sooner, but I didn’t…

Maybe it sounds childish, or whatever, but I just really wish I could find somebody else to love instead.. Focus on the new love and the positives instead of the past and things that can never be… Not that I only want to find someone just to be distracted, because that’s not the case! I just think it would help me to move on… I want to love and be loved. I want that so badly…. It’s been more than 5 years since K and I broke up. 5 freaking years! And I am still this torn up about him and it!?!?

I don’t understand it.. I’ve analyzed myself and what happened, and I know things can never go back or change. It’s too late. I accept that. My brain gets these things, but my heart won’t let go.

Maybe I need to go on antidepressants… I don’t know.. I feel like a crazy person sometimes because it has been so long and I still feel so strongly about it…

Anywho- my computer is about to die.. I promise, it won’t be so long before I write again..

xoxo and positive vibes, Aly

A Case of the Holiday Blues

Christmas is just a few days away, and I’m excited to spend some extra time with my family (assuming I get the day off work, which is still up in the air). But I can’t help but feel a little down lately…

As much as I said I didn’t have my hopes up about texting K on his birthday the other day, I think it still bummed me out that we didn’t talk really. All it was, was me saying ‘happy birthday K’, he didn’t reply until the next morning when he said “thank you :)’ and so I just said ‘:)’. I didn’t expect anything, I was even surprised that he responded at all, but i guess I really did hope that we would talk more.. I guess I could have said more once he did reply, but I don’t want to be pushy…

I know it probably sounds weird, but I just feel like he is the only one who understands what I’m feeling… He’s been there. He’s felt what I’m feeling now. I know he was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. I know he waited for along time, and hoped for a long time… And then once he was able to let go and move on, then I was the one feeling those things…. I just wish I could talk to him and maybe get some closure… Like what I was trying to get back in May when we last talked, when I was basically asking him to be harsh and tell me there was no chance ever for us again (which he didn’t do- trying to be nice or spare my feelings or whatever).

Well, a month and a half after that he proposed, so I don’t see what the big deal was and why he couldn’t have just flat out told me NO. And I know that’s my answer, but I still just feel like talking to him might help me let go. I wish I could ask him how long it took him before he was able to let me go and move on from me. Maybe that would give me some clue as to when I will finally be over him. Maybe it took him 2 and a half years, so maybe in another 3 months (when I reach 2 and a half years of missing him) I’ll be able to not care anymore.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really feel stupid for not being able to move on. I cried earlier, after hearing a country song (“What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen). It’s literally exactly what I’m feeling. He’s engaged and I still keep hoping deep down that there may still be a chance. I’m delusional…

I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be, God has someone better planned for me, maybe it wasn’t as good or a true as my mind is making it out to be… I tell myself all these things and more to help myself move on and let go. But it isn’t helping. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling, even though I know it should, especially since he’s engaged now. He wants her. Maybe if I say it enough, I will get it..?

I was thinking about it the other day, and I think numb is the exactly right word for how I feel. All the time. Numb. Closed off. I don’t let people in, not right now, I can’t. I’ve been hurting so long, so somehow I just shut down. I don’t expect anything from any of the new guys I meet. I didn’t expect K to talk to when when I texted him the other day (and he didn’t). I don’t really feel excited about anything. I think the only time I feel anything else is when I’m with my baby nephew or my two nieces. And even then, it’s only temporary….

I want love. I want anything to take away from the sadness, regret, loneliness, and heartache that I constantly feel. I guess you could even say I want to be distracted from all the things I still feel for and about K. But I also just want to feel love again just to experience that high you get, who wouldn’t? I want someone who i can turn to, open up to, to comfort me when I need it. To be my equal and walk side by side with me in my life… I want babies. My biological clock has been ticking for over a year now, and I feel the ache of not having babies. I see my older sister and my cousins all with their babies, and I long for the time when it’s my turn…

Gosh, how much longer do I have to suffer?! Why do I still care? Why do I still cry over him, still want him, still hope there is a way it will work out???

Maybe with the new year coming I’ll be able to find a way to get a new beginning….

xoxo Aly

Crazy

Today, I feel like I’m literally crazy. I’m that crazy ex who stalks her ex. I’m that crazy girl who can’t move on and get over a guy from 5 years ago. Just to be clear- cyber stalk not regular physically stalks- that is a little better right? Seriously though, I feel insane for how much I have thought about K over the last 2 years, how many times I checked his Facebook page, written or talked about him.

I’ve been that ex who won’t stop popping up. Well, I have been that girl anyway…

I feel like I’ve been delusional. I really, thoroughly thought we would get a second chance. Crazy of me, right? Delusional. Why would he ever want to come near me again? Let alone date again, let alone propose to, let alone spend the rest of this life with. After how thing ended between us?? No way…

Maybe this is just my cycle of accepting it.. Sadness/depression, self blame, calm(ish) acceptance.

I didn’t cry yesterday. I drank a few, but I didn’t cry. And today, I teared up watching a wedding show on tv, but I didn’t let the tears fall.

I’ve pictured how he looked when he proposed, what her ring looks like, what their wedding will be like, how he must love and adore her- I remember that look on his face so well still…

I’m crazy for being this obsessed… Boarder line obsessed? or am i like full on obsessed? Should I talk to a shrink, or check myself into a crazy house? Because I seriously feel like this isn’t normal….. It’s not like I want to think about these things about them..

Maybe I’m just thinking these things to get them over with.. If that makes sense… Like think them while I’m hurting now, so I don’t have to hurt separately when they pop into my mind later…

Ugh, I’m just sounding more and more crazy. I don’t make any sense sometimes, I swear..

I wish I could talk to him.. Text him.. I’m not going to, obviously.. The times for that have passed, I think… I would even just settle for being his friend, but she doesn’t want him being friend with me. I just wish I would have known the last time I texted him that it was going to be the last time ever. Is that stupid? I didn’t outright say things but maybe it would have changed the outcome? He proposed about 3 months after our last text conversation…

It probably wouldn’t have changed anything.. Really though, stop being delusional Alyssa! He probably had already been saving for her ring. He probably already knew he was going to propose. But then it just makes me more and more angry because I asked him to straight out say he was over me and there was never going to be any chance of us ever again, and he didn’t outright say it!! He kept beating around the bush about it, even when I told him to be 100% honest and brutal… And he didn’t… So it gave me hope… And then I find out he proposed a few short months later???

Ugh… I want to beg him not to marry her… I won’t.. I won’t text him. I can’t really expect him to be like “ok yeah i’ll leave her for you” anyway…

But I can’t help but think I may regret not doing it. Just one last time.. I just want to talk to him… But I don’t think there is any way to not sound crazy if I did… Ugh this just sucks!!

I hate my life right now. Can I just be over it and healed and moved on with someone else already?!

So much for not crying today… I’m just going to go have a good cry and head to bed….

-a.

Deal with It

Fml.

I’m trying not to think about it, but I can’t help it. He wants to marry her.
Not me. He proposed. She is going to have his babies.

God I wish I hadn’t been so stupid… I blame myself. I deserve to feel how i do.

I broke his heart, and mine, and now I’m getting what I deserve.

I’m probably being overly dramatic, but it’s still how I feel.

I did this to myself.

Did I really expect him to want to try again? After how I hurt him?

No, I don’t think I did.

But I hoped. And the 3 times I texted him, how he responded and the things he said to me made me feel like he still felt something for me… And it gave me hope..

Stupid.

I’m so stupid for thinking that.

I’m stupid for not being over it by now. It’s been 5 years since we broke up. Five years. And I’m still this hurt?

It’s probably because I can’t forgive myself. And I knew this would happen… Or feared it, at least. I can’t forgive myself for making the biggest mistake in my life, and now my worst dread has come to pass.

He’s marrying someone else.

There will be no second chance for me.

He doesn’t want me, even after I’ve apologized and all but said outright that I would want to try again.

He doesn’t want to. Didn’t want to. And he proposed to her.

Maybe if I say it enough I will accept it. I feel numb. Maybe it’s because I’m drunk. I just want to forget. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired of hurting, all the time. And this is just too much for me to handle.

I’m so tired.

I wish I could forget…

-a.