Barcelona

Here I am, on the other side of the planet from you, and yet at the end of this long, fun-filled, amazing day, my mind still turns to you. 

At least it is not all the time anymore. It’s hasn’t been that for months, thank God. It’s not when I’m keeping busy, out doing things and trying to live my life to the fullest. But it’s in the quiet moments. It’s when I settle down for bed. It’s when I pause. When I am away from the things to distract me. When I stopping moving and leave my brain to its own devices. 

Maybe it’s the wine, maybe I’m just numb now from the amazing distraction of this beautiful country… But I don’t feel the urge to cry. But at the same time, my heart aches for for what was. I miss you, even though I haven’t seen you in years. I can’t help but imagine what it would be like to be experiemcing all of this with you…

Xoxo Aly

Fears

It’s been more than six and a half years since K and I broke up. ((Gosh, has it really been so long?!))

More than 3 and a half years since I was able to realize my mistake and started living with this daily regret.

Two weeks since W Day. 

I’ve cried it out. Drank it away. Prayed and wished to forget him, to not remember him at all because, as awful as it is, I would rather not remember him anymore than keep living with this hurt. Especially now that he is officially married.

God… He’s married…

I’ve been living with this regret so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to live without it.

I’ve tried moving on, dating guys, ignoring/not thinking about it or him. 

I know God has someone for me, even if it’s not K like I had hoped. And I know one day I’ll have a family, babies and a husband… As always, my fears are that I will never get over K.

That one day my future husband will come to know or resent the fact that I wished he was some other man. Or that my future kids will find out I wanted someone else more than their own father. That I wished they were my kids with another man…

You see, I can’t imagine not caring or getting over K. I can’t imagine getting to that point where I won’t regret it or think about it anymore… It’s an unwanted second-nature to me. He’ll always be there. In the back of my mind, tucked away in a deep corner of my heart…

And I fear the consequences that will lead to in my future.

Do I sound completely crazy yet? Am I making and sense at all??

Well, I’ve been crying while writing this entire post, so I’m going to go straighten myself out and put on my mask of being OK.

Xoxo aly

Love Purgatory

So I saw this article reposted by a page on Facebook earlier today… And my God, it’s like it was written about me… Literally everything about it, is exactly how I’ve been feeling..

Even if I can’t sometimes find the words to describe how I’m feeling about K and why I haven’t been able to get over him, I think I can say this article says it for me..

Enjoy!

Breakups are always hard because you have to mourn someone you loved and lost.

But, time heals everything, and eventually, you’ll meet someone else. Eventually, that former lover will become a distant memory.

But, this kind of breakup is not the same. This breakup happened with a person who, no matter what you do, you cannot get over.

Not a day goes by that this person doesn’t cross your mind and your heart feels heavy.

It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad.

So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself.

That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her.

Then you are right back to square one.

There are so many people who come in and out of your life. Some you date briefly and never give a second thought to, and some you like a lot, but it doesn’t work out.

Then, there are some who crush you, who take months to get over.

But this is different; this is the feeling you get when you know something has to end right now but isn’t over for good.

You can’t just say, “I wish you the best” and move on. You can’t end that chapter because you know you can’t quit them. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “love purgatory.”

It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together.

Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together.

The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached its potential yet, so it can’t be over.

In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah.

So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again.

You don’t just sit around and listen to sad music and wait though.

You find distractions and push away what you feel in order to be a sane enough human being to function in life.

You meet other amazing, beautiful people with whom you want to work things out, but it never happens because something is off. He or she just isn’t _____ (fill in the blank with your person).

“She’s not Rachel,” is the famous line from “Friends.”

Although, it actually went more like, “She’s not Rachem,” for laughs. And, that is what this person, who has kept you in love purgatory, makes you feel; no one can ever compare.

Because when you know, you know. That connection comes around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.

Your friends think you’re crazy, and you yourself feel crazy. Why, in a world full of billions of other people, are you allowing one to keep holding you back. You can’t answer that question.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” — Blaise Pascal

Some people meet someone, date, fall in love and live happily ever after.

Many others are not quite so fortunate. Some of us have to fight, breakup, makeup and go through hell with our person until it finally works out.

Maybe the problem is, again, timing. Maybe you have to learn and grow more before you can settle down.

Whatever the problem is, you know that eventually, the two of you will find each other again.

Because like Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Mr. Big, Allie and Noah and all the great love stories from movies and television, there are just some people who you can’t let go of and never will.

But, until you find your way back, you miserably sit in love purgatory, hoping to find someone or something to keep you occupied long enough to not self-destruct.

Some people will be outraged about this and think, “This is not how love is supposed to be,” or, “If you were mature about love it wouldn’t be this hard.”

But I beg to disagree, and would counter with, “How do you know?” Just because things were easy for you doesn’t mean they will be easier for everyone else.

People are very complicated and love is sometimes messy.

If it’s not that way for you, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means your path was easier.

For those of us currently in love purgatory, we will one day be with our person, too.

credit elitedaily

http://trendingstylist.com/love-purgatory/

xoxo Aly

Balance

It’s been 7 days since K got married. 4 days since I found out.

I am going through ups and downs… It’s mostly at night that I cry. Driving home from work. Laying in bed while trying to fall asleep. During the rest of my days, I just feel numb. My heart feels dead. I don’t feel anything in my heart anymore. Except the occasional sharp, stabbing pain when I remember that this is real.

I got some great news that I finally got a temporary (90 day) job at a hospital. I’ve been trying for over 2 years to get hired on at one of the local hospitals. Just as reception/front desk. So that’s great. I’m really excited and happy, because I’ve been so down on myself lately. Feeling like I have nothing going for me. And then God sends me this gift of a job.. He must have known I really needed it…

But I can’t help but be sad… What wouldn’t I give up or trade to have it be me he was with, married to?

He’s married.

He’s married.

He’s married.

I keep telling myself. Well, I go back and forth between telling myself, and not allowing my mind to even think about him and it.

It’s real. I get it. I know it. But at the same time it doesn’t feel real.

It hurts too much. Does it sound awful that I wish I didn’t remember him?? I pray, over and over, to forget, to not remember, to not care…

I’m tired of hurting. I don’t know what it’s like to not hurt, to not regret, to be happy…

Funny how like tries to balance itself out, isn’t it? Find out one day the worst news possible, then the very next day get a call for an interview and offered the job 2 days later. Not ideal, but the job is probably the best of things that could possibly happen for me right now. The best and the worst, just days apart.

*sigh*

hope everyone is having a nice weekend so far..

xo Aly.

Dark Dreams

I found out today, K is married now. He got married on Saturday. I cried for over an hour. Hyperventilating. Sick to my stomach. Felt like I was going to pass out.

Now, I just feel like I’m in a dream. This can’t be my reality…

I feel that hole in my stomach, in my soul. Jagged, sharp, hurting, and hollow.

I knew this day would come. I’ve been dreading it for 3 years. When I found out last October that he was engaged, I took it hard, but there was still that tiny glimmer of hope in my soul.

And now that’s crushed too.

Dust in the wind.

.

.

.

-A.

I’ve been missing you…

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sat down to blog, and I completely missed it (and all of you!!).. Life’s been up and down.. I’ve been busy with work, and stress, and life. I don’t think I realized how helpful blogging has been for me, it’s been my therapy and outlet to analyze myself. It gives me the chance to get out things that have happened, look at them, and analyze how I feel about them…

I’ve missed, and needed it…

The last few weeks I would say I’ve been in another period of depression.. Everything combined has piled up and overwhelmed me.. Work is stressful, finding a new job hasn’t been going well, I’ve somehow gained a ton of weight and cannot seem to get it off no matter how much I change my eating habits or workout.. I don’t feel comfortable in my body right now, at ALL. And that makes it very hard to have a positive attitude sometimes.. I feel uncomfortable, and fat, and unattractive… I know that isn’t the case, but it’s just how I feel at the moment…

I also joined a dating site last month.. Hoping maybe some attention would help boost my self-esteem. I just feel lonely, and I do feel ready to find someone… The process, however, has been slower and tougher than I thought… I find myself anxious at the thought of meeting up with someone when I’m this weight. I don’t want to be judged as I am now, because it’s about 10 pounds over the most I’ve ever weighed before this… And I feel like I’m not giving these guys a chance, really, because I find myself looking for my ex, K, or someone to be him.. And that’s not fair to them.. They can’t fill his shoes. They can’t be him. But I feel like subconsciously I’ve been trying to find someone to replace him, or be him, or whatever…

It still hurts to think about him, which I still do often… I don’t try to, but I do. It makes me nauseous to think about him proposing, or being engaged, or thinking about him marrying her, them having kids… Them having the life I could have had with him instead… It literally makes me sick. Whenever he pops into my head, I have to tell myself, “No! Don’t go there.. Don’t think about it.. You can’t go there!” I guess I just still have so much regret there, and I don’t know how to get rid of it… I wish I could have changed things sooner, but I didn’t…

Maybe it sounds childish, or whatever, but I just really wish I could find somebody else to love instead.. Focus on the new love and the positives instead of the past and things that can never be… Not that I only want to find someone just to be distracted, because that’s not the case! I just think it would help me to move on… I want to love and be loved. I want that so badly…. It’s been more than 5 years since K and I broke up. 5 freaking years! And I am still this torn up about him and it!?!?

I don’t understand it.. I’ve analyzed myself and what happened, and I know things can never go back or change. It’s too late. I accept that. My brain gets these things, but my heart won’t let go.

Maybe I need to go on antidepressants… I don’t know.. I feel like a crazy person sometimes because it has been so long and I still feel so strongly about it…

Anywho- my computer is about to die.. I promise, it won’t be so long before I write again..

xoxo and positive vibes, Aly

A Case of the Holiday Blues

Christmas is just a few days away, and I’m excited to spend some extra time with my family (assuming I get the day off work, which is still up in the air). But I can’t help but feel a little down lately…

As much as I said I didn’t have my hopes up about texting K on his birthday the other day, I think it still bummed me out that we didn’t talk really. All it was, was me saying ‘happy birthday K’, he didn’t reply until the next morning when he said “thank you :)’ and so I just said ‘:)’. I didn’t expect anything, I was even surprised that he responded at all, but i guess I really did hope that we would talk more.. I guess I could have said more once he did reply, but I don’t want to be pushy…

I know it probably sounds weird, but I just feel like he is the only one who understands what I’m feeling… He’s been there. He’s felt what I’m feeling now. I know he was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. I know he waited for along time, and hoped for a long time… And then once he was able to let go and move on, then I was the one feeling those things…. I just wish I could talk to him and maybe get some closure… Like what I was trying to get back in May when we last talked, when I was basically asking him to be harsh and tell me there was no chance ever for us again (which he didn’t do- trying to be nice or spare my feelings or whatever).

Well, a month and a half after that he proposed, so I don’t see what the big deal was and why he couldn’t have just flat out told me NO. And I know that’s my answer, but I still just feel like talking to him might help me let go. I wish I could ask him how long it took him before he was able to let me go and move on from me. Maybe that would give me some clue as to when I will finally be over him. Maybe it took him 2 and a half years, so maybe in another 3 months (when I reach 2 and a half years of missing him) I’ll be able to not care anymore.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really feel stupid for not being able to move on. I cried earlier, after hearing a country song (“What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen). It’s literally exactly what I’m feeling. He’s engaged and I still keep hoping deep down that there may still be a chance. I’m delusional…

I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be, God has someone better planned for me, maybe it wasn’t as good or a true as my mind is making it out to be… I tell myself all these things and more to help myself move on and let go. But it isn’t helping. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling, even though I know it should, especially since he’s engaged now. He wants her. Maybe if I say it enough, I will get it..?

I was thinking about it the other day, and I think numb is the exactly right word for how I feel. All the time. Numb. Closed off. I don’t let people in, not right now, I can’t. I’ve been hurting so long, so somehow I just shut down. I don’t expect anything from any of the new guys I meet. I didn’t expect K to talk to when when I texted him the other day (and he didn’t). I don’t really feel excited about anything. I think the only time I feel anything else is when I’m with my baby nephew or my two nieces. And even then, it’s only temporary….

I want love. I want anything to take away from the sadness, regret, loneliness, and heartache that I constantly feel. I guess you could even say I want to be distracted from all the things I still feel for and about K. But I also just want to feel love again just to experience that high you get, who wouldn’t? I want someone who i can turn to, open up to, to comfort me when I need it. To be my equal and walk side by side with me in my life… I want babies. My biological clock has been ticking for over a year now, and I feel the ache of not having babies. I see my older sister and my cousins all with their babies, and I long for the time when it’s my turn…

Gosh, how much longer do I have to suffer?! Why do I still care? Why do I still cry over him, still want him, still hope there is a way it will work out???

Maybe with the new year coming I’ll be able to find a way to get a new beginning….

xoxo Aly

Crazy

Today, I feel like I’m literally crazy. I’m that crazy ex who stalks her ex. I’m that crazy girl who can’t move on and get over a guy from 5 years ago. Just to be clear- cyber stalk not regular physically stalks- that is a little better right? Seriously though, I feel insane for how much I have thought about K over the last 2 years, how many times I checked his Facebook page, written or talked about him.

I’ve been that ex who won’t stop popping up. Well, I have been that girl anyway…

I feel like I’ve been delusional. I really, thoroughly thought we would get a second chance. Crazy of me, right? Delusional. Why would he ever want to come near me again? Let alone date again, let alone propose to, let alone spend the rest of this life with. After how thing ended between us?? No way…

Maybe this is just my cycle of accepting it.. Sadness/depression, self blame, calm(ish) acceptance.

I didn’t cry yesterday. I drank a few, but I didn’t cry. And today, I teared up watching a wedding show on tv, but I didn’t let the tears fall.

I’ve pictured how he looked when he proposed, what her ring looks like, what their wedding will be like, how he must love and adore her- I remember that look on his face so well still…

I’m crazy for being this obsessed… Boarder line obsessed? or am i like full on obsessed? Should I talk to a shrink, or check myself into a crazy house? Because I seriously feel like this isn’t normal….. It’s not like I want to think about these things about them..

Maybe I’m just thinking these things to get them over with.. If that makes sense… Like think them while I’m hurting now, so I don’t have to hurt separately when they pop into my mind later…

Ugh, I’m just sounding more and more crazy. I don’t make any sense sometimes, I swear..

I wish I could talk to him.. Text him.. I’m not going to, obviously.. The times for that have passed, I think… I would even just settle for being his friend, but she doesn’t want him being friend with me. I just wish I would have known the last time I texted him that it was going to be the last time ever. Is that stupid? I didn’t outright say things but maybe it would have changed the outcome? He proposed about 3 months after our last text conversation…

It probably wouldn’t have changed anything.. Really though, stop being delusional Alyssa! He probably had already been saving for her ring. He probably already knew he was going to propose. But then it just makes me more and more angry because I asked him to straight out say he was over me and there was never going to be any chance of us ever again, and he didn’t outright say it!! He kept beating around the bush about it, even when I told him to be 100% honest and brutal… And he didn’t… So it gave me hope… And then I find out he proposed a few short months later???

Ugh… I want to beg him not to marry her… I won’t.. I won’t text him. I can’t really expect him to be like “ok yeah i’ll leave her for you” anyway…

But I can’t help but think I may regret not doing it. Just one last time.. I just want to talk to him… But I don’t think there is any way to not sound crazy if I did… Ugh this just sucks!!

I hate my life right now. Can I just be over it and healed and moved on with someone else already?!

So much for not crying today… I’m just going to go have a good cry and head to bed….

-a.

Deal with It

Fml.

I’m trying not to think about it, but I can’t help it. He wants to marry her.
Not me. He proposed. She is going to have his babies.

God I wish I hadn’t been so stupid… I blame myself. I deserve to feel how i do.

I broke his heart, and mine, and now I’m getting what I deserve.

I’m probably being overly dramatic, but it’s still how I feel.

I did this to myself.

Did I really expect him to want to try again? After how I hurt him?

No, I don’t think I did.

But I hoped. And the 3 times I texted him, how he responded and the things he said to me made me feel like he still felt something for me… And it gave me hope..

Stupid.

I’m so stupid for thinking that.

I’m stupid for not being over it by now. It’s been 5 years since we broke up. Five years. And I’m still this hurt?

It’s probably because I can’t forgive myself. And I knew this would happen… Or feared it, at least. I can’t forgive myself for making the biggest mistake in my life, and now my worst dread has come to pass.

He’s marrying someone else.

There will be no second chance for me.

He doesn’t want me, even after I’ve apologized and all but said outright that I would want to try again.

He doesn’t want to. Didn’t want to. And he proposed to her.

Maybe if I say it enough I will accept it. I feel numb. Maybe it’s because I’m drunk. I just want to forget. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired of hurting, all the time. And this is just too much for me to handle.

I’m so tired.

I wish I could forget…

-a.

Replay

One of the worst things about K being engaged, and me finally knowing, is that my brain keeps replaying the fact that I was so close to being the one he was proposing to.

My brain keeps replaying the fact that my mom told me that he had been saving up for a ring. For me. He was going to propose. He told her…

And now he’s engaged to someone else.

Because I was so stupid and selfish, all those years ago, and I left. I knew it, even as I was ending it, that I was making a mistake. That I should stop saying what I was saying and ask him to forgive me and work it out.

And now it’s too late.

It’s not me he is wanting to spend the rest of his life with, it’s her. Liz.

She’ll be the one to have his babies and grow old with him… She better know how luck she is…

Since the minute I woke up this morning, tears have just been falling down my face. I can’t stop them. It’s like my eyes are leaking…

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I truly hate my life right now.

I’m cursed when it comes to love.

God help me when I find out they actually are married.

-A.