I’ve been missing you…

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sat down to blog, and I completely missed it (and all of you!!).. Life’s been up and down.. I’ve been busy with work, and stress, and life. I don’t think I realized how helpful blogging has been for me, it’s been my therapy and outlet to analyze myself. It gives me the chance to get out things that have happened, look at them, and analyze how I feel about them…

I’ve missed, and needed it…

The last few weeks I would say I’ve been in another period of depression.. Everything combined has piled up and overwhelmed me.. Work is stressful, finding a new job hasn’t been going well, I’ve somehow gained a ton of weight and cannot seem to get it off no matter how much I change my eating habits or workout.. I don’t feel comfortable in my body right now, at ALL. And that makes it very hard to have a positive attitude sometimes.. I feel uncomfortable, and fat, and unattractive… I know that isn’t the case, but it’s just how I feel at the moment…

I also joined a dating site last month.. Hoping maybe some attention would help boost my self-esteem. I just feel lonely, and I do feel ready to find someone… The process, however, has been slower and tougher than I thought… I find myself anxious at the thought of meeting up with someone when I’m this weight. I don’t want to be judged as I am now, because it’s about 10 pounds over the most I’ve ever weighed before this… And I feel like I’m not giving these guys a chance, really, because I find myself looking for my ex, K, or someone to be him.. And that’s not fair to them.. They can’t fill his shoes. They can’t be him. But I feel like subconsciously I’ve been trying to find someone to replace him, or be him, or whatever…

It still hurts to think about him, which I still do often… I don’t try to, but I do. It makes me nauseous to think about him proposing, or being engaged, or thinking about him marrying her, them having kids… Them having the life I could have had with him instead… It literally makes me sick. Whenever he pops into my head, I have to tell myself, “No! Don’t go there.. Don’t think about it.. You can’t go there!” I guess I just still have so much regret there, and I don’t know how to get rid of it… I wish I could have changed things sooner, but I didn’t…

Maybe it sounds childish, or whatever, but I just really wish I could find somebody else to love instead.. Focus on the new love and the positives instead of the past and things that can never be… Not that I only want to find someone just to be distracted, because that’s not the case! I just think it would help me to move on… I want to love and be loved. I want that so badly…. It’s been more than 5 years since K and I broke up. 5 freaking years! And I am still this torn up about him and it!?!?

I don’t understand it.. I’ve analyzed myself and what happened, and I know things can never go back or change. It’s too late. I accept that. My brain gets these things, but my heart won’t let go.

Maybe I need to go on antidepressants… I don’t know.. I feel like a crazy person sometimes because it has been so long and I still feel so strongly about it…

Anywho- my computer is about to die.. I promise, it won’t be so long before I write again..

xoxo and positive vibes, Aly

Looking Forward to a New Year

Maybe it’s just part of getting older, but I can’t believe another year is just about over! 2014 was quite a roller coaster for me, some great good times and some bad lows. I don’t know if I would say it was a good year, or a bad year, but I definitely know that I am not the same woman leaving this year behind as I was coming into it.

I’m ready for some change. I’m ready to let go of some things and move forward. I feel it in my soul; I just have this deep sense of needing (and wanting) to let go of the past. Of K, mostly, but not just him. Other hurts I’ve felt for a long time. It’s too draining… I just feel drained and exhausted all the time.

As much as I wish things could be different, they aren’t. And I think it’s past time for me to gracefully let go. He’s engaged. If it had been meant to be, it would be me he’s engaged to, but I’m not and it’s not. He’ll always have a special place in my heart, that no one can replace, and I think he’ll always be a bit of a tender subject to me.

I don’t know if I’m ready to date anyone right now. I think I just need to enjoy my time alone, for now… And I know soon, when I’m ready, God will show a special guy into my life. Maybe it’ll be in this new year, or maybe the next.. Whenever it is, I’m patiently looking forward to it.

I’m excited to see what this New Year holds for me. Hopefully it’ll be better than this last year has been. One of my goals is to go to at least one place I’ve never been to before. Maybe something fun like Las Vegas, or maybe Yellowstone National Park… We’ll see!

Also, I just want to thank all of you for reading my blog and supporting me! It’s very nice to know people care about me and my life, and I greatly appreciate all of your comments and advice.. Here’s to another great year of blogging!!

Love you guys! Happy New Year!

xoxo Aly

A Case of the Holiday Blues

Christmas is just a few days away, and I’m excited to spend some extra time with my family (assuming I get the day off work, which is still up in the air). But I can’t help but feel a little down lately…

As much as I said I didn’t have my hopes up about texting K on his birthday the other day, I think it still bummed me out that we didn’t talk really. All it was, was me saying ‘happy birthday K’, he didn’t reply until the next morning when he said “thank you :)’ and so I just said ‘:)’. I didn’t expect anything, I was even surprised that he responded at all, but i guess I really did hope that we would talk more.. I guess I could have said more once he did reply, but I don’t want to be pushy…

I know it probably sounds weird, but I just feel like he is the only one who understands what I’m feeling… He’s been there. He’s felt what I’m feeling now. I know he was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. I know he waited for along time, and hoped for a long time… And then once he was able to let go and move on, then I was the one feeling those things…. I just wish I could talk to him and maybe get some closure… Like what I was trying to get back in May when we last talked, when I was basically asking him to be harsh and tell me there was no chance ever for us again (which he didn’t do- trying to be nice or spare my feelings or whatever).

Well, a month and a half after that he proposed, so I don’t see what the big deal was and why he couldn’t have just flat out told me NO. And I know that’s my answer, but I still just feel like talking to him might help me let go. I wish I could ask him how long it took him before he was able to let me go and move on from me. Maybe that would give me some clue as to when I will finally be over him. Maybe it took him 2 and a half years, so maybe in another 3 months (when I reach 2 and a half years of missing him) I’ll be able to not care anymore.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really feel stupid for not being able to move on. I cried earlier, after hearing a country song (“What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen). It’s literally exactly what I’m feeling. He’s engaged and I still keep hoping deep down that there may still be a chance. I’m delusional…

I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be, God has someone better planned for me, maybe it wasn’t as good or a true as my mind is making it out to be… I tell myself all these things and more to help myself move on and let go. But it isn’t helping. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling, even though I know it should, especially since he’s engaged now. He wants her. Maybe if I say it enough, I will get it..?

I was thinking about it the other day, and I think numb is the exactly right word for how I feel. All the time. Numb. Closed off. I don’t let people in, not right now, I can’t. I’ve been hurting so long, so somehow I just shut down. I don’t expect anything from any of the new guys I meet. I didn’t expect K to talk to when when I texted him the other day (and he didn’t). I don’t really feel excited about anything. I think the only time I feel anything else is when I’m with my baby nephew or my two nieces. And even then, it’s only temporary….

I want love. I want anything to take away from the sadness, regret, loneliness, and heartache that I constantly feel. I guess you could even say I want to be distracted from all the things I still feel for and about K. But I also just want to feel love again just to experience that high you get, who wouldn’t? I want someone who i can turn to, open up to, to comfort me when I need it. To be my equal and walk side by side with me in my life… I want babies. My biological clock has been ticking for over a year now, and I feel the ache of not having babies. I see my older sister and my cousins all with their babies, and I long for the time when it’s my turn…

Gosh, how much longer do I have to suffer?! Why do I still care? Why do I still cry over him, still want him, still hope there is a way it will work out???

Maybe with the new year coming I’ll be able to find a way to get a new beginning….

xoxo Aly

In Another Life

Happy birthday,
My dear.
I’ve waited a year,
For the one day I have an excuse to talk to you.
Another year older.
Another year passed without you next to me.

How different things could have been-
You and I,
But instead,
I lay in my cold bed,
Alone,
While you smile and laugh with Her.
It could have been us,
Warm together,
Holding hands,
Stealing kisses,
Loving every moment.

I would have made you a cake,
And coffee,
Black,
Just the way you like it.
And I would drink some too,
Because I like it now.
Maybe I would even take a shot of Whiskey,
With you,
Because that’s what you like.

Maybe,
In another life.

Crazy

Today, I feel like I’m literally crazy. I’m that crazy ex who stalks her ex. I’m that crazy girl who can’t move on and get over a guy from 5 years ago. Just to be clear- cyber stalk not regular physically stalks- that is a little better right? Seriously though, I feel insane for how much I have thought about K over the last 2 years, how many times I checked his Facebook page, written or talked about him.

I’ve been that ex who won’t stop popping up. Well, I have been that girl anyway…

I feel like I’ve been delusional. I really, thoroughly thought we would get a second chance. Crazy of me, right? Delusional. Why would he ever want to come near me again? Let alone date again, let alone propose to, let alone spend the rest of this life with. After how thing ended between us?? No way…

Maybe this is just my cycle of accepting it.. Sadness/depression, self blame, calm(ish) acceptance.

I didn’t cry yesterday. I drank a few, but I didn’t cry. And today, I teared up watching a wedding show on tv, but I didn’t let the tears fall.

I’ve pictured how he looked when he proposed, what her ring looks like, what their wedding will be like, how he must love and adore her- I remember that look on his face so well still…

I’m crazy for being this obsessed… Boarder line obsessed? or am i like full on obsessed? Should I talk to a shrink, or check myself into a crazy house? Because I seriously feel like this isn’t normal….. It’s not like I want to think about these things about them..

Maybe I’m just thinking these things to get them over with.. If that makes sense… Like think them while I’m hurting now, so I don’t have to hurt separately when they pop into my mind later…

Ugh, I’m just sounding more and more crazy. I don’t make any sense sometimes, I swear..

I wish I could talk to him.. Text him.. I’m not going to, obviously.. The times for that have passed, I think… I would even just settle for being his friend, but she doesn’t want him being friend with me. I just wish I would have known the last time I texted him that it was going to be the last time ever. Is that stupid? I didn’t outright say things but maybe it would have changed the outcome? He proposed about 3 months after our last text conversation…

It probably wouldn’t have changed anything.. Really though, stop being delusional Alyssa! He probably had already been saving for her ring. He probably already knew he was going to propose. But then it just makes me more and more angry because I asked him to straight out say he was over me and there was never going to be any chance of us ever again, and he didn’t outright say it!! He kept beating around the bush about it, even when I told him to be 100% honest and brutal… And he didn’t… So it gave me hope… And then I find out he proposed a few short months later???

Ugh… I want to beg him not to marry her… I won’t.. I won’t text him. I can’t really expect him to be like “ok yeah i’ll leave her for you” anyway…

But I can’t help but think I may regret not doing it. Just one last time.. I just want to talk to him… But I don’t think there is any way to not sound crazy if I did… Ugh this just sucks!!

I hate my life right now. Can I just be over it and healed and moved on with someone else already?!

So much for not crying today… I’m just going to go have a good cry and head to bed….

-a.

Holding On or Letting Go

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So I’ve mentioned that David is moving in a few short weeks, 2 hours away.. I haven’t seen him, so I haven’t gotten to talk to him about it.. I feel like it should be in person…

But on my own over the past few days I’ve really been thinking about what to do.. We have only been talking for a month. It’s still new. We aren’t boyfriend-girlfriend yet… And now he’s moving… Not super far but it would still be “long distance”. At this point in our “relationship” is it worth it to hold on or is it better to just let it go?

Giving it a try to make it work would be a lot more effort than just simply cutting ties. At this point, I’m not really emotionally invested. Guess my “wall” I always have up is good for something right now.. But I don’t lose if I just walk away now. I don’t risk the pain and heartache that could potentially come from a long distance relationship.

But on the other side, when does anything worth having come without some risks and hard work? I just don’t know if there is enough foundation between David and I to even start a relationship since its going to be long distance. I don’t even know if we know each other enough to be in an official relationship, even without the moving complication!

I like him, I do! But I just don’t know if its worth it at this point… If he were staying here, I would definitely keep talking to him, and I’m sure we would get to the point of being boyfriend-girlfriend. And I know I mentioned in one of my last few blogs that he mentioned me going with him, but again, I haven’t seen him to talk to about it all… That’s just another complication!!

I’m sure I’m over thinking it all, but it’s kind if been stressing me out… I don’t know when I will see him next, but I need to see David and somehow bring up this heavy conversation…

Wish me luck?? Lol

Xoxo Aly

M.I.A.

It’s been a blur the last few weeks. I’ve been M.I.A. Shutting myself off for a while… Or at least trying to..

In my last post two weeks ago, I mentioned my grandma was about to pass.. And she did the very next day. It’s still surreal to me. My brain doesn’t want to go there, not so soon after dealing with my grandpa’s passing two months ago… I’ve been trying to stay the strong one, especially for my mom. But I do have my moments too…

Like thinking of how they won’t be there for my wedding day, or meet my babies when I have them. Or thinking about the coming holidays this year… Thanksgiving and Christmas just won’t be the same…

I feel my wall being back up. It’s like an emotional coping mechanism. At the first sign of pain or heartache, I feel it boom back into existence. Like a virtual Great Wall of China, except 100 times taller, encasing me behind thick brick walls, closing myself off from what is about to hurt me. Disconnecting myself from the world, kind of.

Maybe it’s a part of my ongoing bouts of depression. The disconnecting myself. I have my ups and downs. My brain doesn’t want to think or deal with the loss of my grandparents… And I still struggle with some of the pains of my past. I struggle with letting go of K. And of not thinking about J and how things are with his new baby. I hate the reminders that I see everywhere that remind me of those two. So opposite, the best and worst of my relationships. I wish I didn’t still think about either of them. I wish I wasn’t reminded of them every day, in one way or another.

I’m trying so hard to move on. I’m spending more time with friends, pushing myself to go out and have some fun. I’m trying to set up some dates (well, i have friends who are trying to set me up with people they know anyway). I want to find someone who can take my mind off my past… But I also want it to be meaningful, not just a distraction. But hell, would it really be so terribly bad if I did just have a “distraction” guy? As long as I don’t take it seriously enough to let myself get hurt.

*sigh* I’m just rambling now.. My brain has been so scattered lately.

I promise I’ll try and be back on here more… This is my own form of therapy after all!

xoxo Aly.

Nothing Less than I Expected

So after messaging K on Facebook last night, he texted me back… I didn’t hold back. I told him what i needed to know… And what he said wasn’t anything less than I expected to hear… I wish he would’ve been more blunt and definite, but he basically said there are always “ifs” and “maybes” in life, but that it wouldn’t be fair to me to keep waiting for him. That he is happy and in a good spot in his life right now. So I guess I got my closure.

I wish he could have just given me a definite no I don’t have any feelings for you anymore, or no there is no hope for a second chance anymore…

I’m not going to read too much into what he said; for once, I’m going to just take it literally as he said it and move on. I can’t wait for him anymore. I’m not going to allow my brain to keep thinking maybe one day down the line there might be another chance between us. He said he thinks I should move on, so I’m going to try.

No more looking back.