Barcelona

Here I am, on the other side of the planet from you, and yet at the end of this long, fun-filled, amazing day, my mind still turns to you. 

At least it is not all the time anymore. It’s hasn’t been that for months, thank God. It’s not when I’m keeping busy, out doing things and trying to live my life to the fullest. But it’s in the quiet moments. It’s when I settle down for bed. It’s when I pause. When I am away from the things to distract me. When I stopping moving and leave my brain to its own devices. 

Maybe it’s the wine, maybe I’m just numb now from the amazing distraction of this beautiful country… But I don’t feel the urge to cry. But at the same time, my heart aches for for what was. I miss you, even though I haven’t seen you in years. I can’t help but imagine what it would be like to be experiemcing all of this with you…

Xoxo Aly

Her.

I hate her. Yes, hate. A woman I’ve never met and probably never will. 

I hate that she is yours, and you are hers. I hate that I was too late and you had already moved on. I hate that I was too late, more than I actually hate her.

I feel like a moth, drawn to the flame that is you. And I hate it; I don’t want to be consumed by thoughts of you anymore. But like that moth, I can’t help it. It hurts. Thoughts of you. Thoughts of her. Thoughts of your marriage. That is my flame, my fire. Blinding me, consuming me. I can’t get away from it. 

I can’t think of you without thinking of her. Your wife, now. It makes me sick. I hate it. 

Maybe it’s just jealousy. She gets you, for the rest of your lives. Maybe it’s just that you found love again, after me, while I feel as if I am not capable of loving again. My mind can’t even fathom in my wildest dreams that I will find someone as good as you, let alone someone better. 

I honestly don’t feel like I can love anymore, no matter how much I desperately want to. It’s not logical, I know, but it’s how I honestly feel.

She better not take you for granted, ever. She better know how lucky she is. 

Xo A

Halloween Night

Today marks one year since I found out K was engaged. Seems like a lifetime ago… And yesterday marked 5 months since they got married..

It’s been such a tough week. I’ve really been struggling. I need to let go of all this. I want to be over him. I don’t want to keep living my life this way. I don’t know what else I can do though.. 

6 years, 1 month since he and I broke up. 3 years, 1 month since I realized I still loved him and the regrets set in. 1 year since I found out they were engaged. 5 months since they got married. This is what my life has come to… Fixating and counting on all these days..

When does it stop? When do i get to move on? Why can’t I forget? When do I get to find someone and be happy too?

Everyone likes to say “Time heals all wounds” but does it really?? When?! I’ve yet to experience it, even though I pray for it every day. For a long time I didn’t want to be over him… But I do now, and I have wanted to for a long time too… 

I don’t understand why I still am so hurt and upset and regretful.. It’s been sooooo long. He’s a stranger to me, now. He’s a distant memory from my past, or at least he should be. I don’t know him anymore. I haven’t seen him in years… 

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of this hurt inside of me. It’s like a huge hole right through the center of me, that won’t heal. 

I want to forget him. Or at least not care anymore. Why can’t he be like any of my other exes in my mind? I don’t think about them, or care about what they’re doing. I never even cried after breaking up with J…. 

But here I am, laying in bed on Halloween night, feeling like a crazy person, crying over a man I loved 6 years ago. Doesn’t help that I am feeling really insecure about my body today. I feel fat and unattractive.. Ugh.. Something needs to change..

Happy fucking Halloween. 

Xoxo Aly.

A darkness

There is a darkness in me. It pulses deep down in a dark corner somewhere inside of me. It’s there. I first glimpsed it when I was 15 or so. My first real dark moment in my life… Life leaves it’s marks in all of us. I still struggle daily with fighting off the despair and grief that so easily can rise to the surface. At any moment, I could break out in tears, if I give in to it. Right now. 

It’s sadistically comical how I used to have to hide my emotions and true feelings from people like my ex J- I constantly had to act like I didn’t care about K still, so much so that I literally disconnected with everything in my life and my emotions to the point of feeling like I had woken out of a coma when I finally broke up with him. I had to deny to him and myself what I really felt, for over 3 years.

And now I feel like I’m having to do the same. I literally coach myself on a daily basis to either not think about K (as soon as my mind goes to him, I make myself put it out of my mind and reject any thoughts of him), or I train my brain to consciously think of him while focusing my emotions on feeling indifferent or numb or uncaring. Is this awful to say? 

It’s been 6 years and I can still burst into tears on a dime over him. This pain, this darkness, will always be with me. I know in my heart, this is not ever going to go away. I will always have my regrets when it comes to him. I’m just now trying to learn or reach myself how to live with it. How to function. How to not be consumed by my grief and regret and sadness.

I pray that I could forget him and everything about him. I wish I could forget everything about him, our relationship, everything. I wish I could take all memory of him out of me. 

I’m tired of this. No one likes being in pain, but it’s been so many years of this! I’m tired of hurting and crying and regretting and thinking of him. The hurt is not going away, it’s not getting better.

I honestly just wish I could erase him from my memory… 

Dreams

I had such a vivid dream about Kiegon last night. We were talking and I was saying all the things that are still on my heart and mind about him. For a while it was just me and him, taking. Then my family members were in the ba ground, walking around. My nieces, who I always wished he could have met. And then his now wife… She was in this dream.

Ugh. Will this ever go away? I’m tearing up just from typing that word. She kept approaching me and telling me to get over him and why can’t I let go of him and that kind of thing. 

Obviously, even my subconscious gets it! My head knows it, my dreams understand, but my heart won’t let go.

Why can’t I just forget him, and her, and their happy freaking life together? I thought I was done having dreams about him.. It just makes it so much harder when I dream of him. Brings everything back up and makes it that much harder…

It’s been on my mind all day at work. And no one else in my life understands what I continue to go through. They all don’t get it- why I can’t let go, or what I still struggle with.

There is nothing anyone can tell me that I haven’t already thought of myself. If I can’t be with him, I really just wish I could forget him. Forget we ever happened. That would be easier than struggling every day knowing the love of my life married someone else.

Stay

“Stay” Florida-Georgia Line

“I’d sell my soul just to see your face. 

And I’d break my bones just to heal your pain.

In these times I need a saving grace, but time is running out and I’m starting to lose my faith.

But if I told you I loved you, would it make you want to stay?

I’m sorry for the way I hurt you and making you walk away.

(I should have took the time to tell you)

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(Girl you gotta know I love you)

My heart’s on my sleeve, but it’s turning black.

(I guess I know what it feels like it to be alone)

Without your touch I’m not gonna last.

(I know you know that I need ya just to carry on)

It feels like my walls are caving in.

(You’d always hold me before I left you hanging on)

And I’ll do anything to have you here again.

But if I told you I loved you, would it make you want to stay?

I’m sorry for the way I hurt you and making you walk away.

(I should have took the time to tell you)

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Yeah, the days are cold, the nights are long. 

And I can’t stand to be alone.

Please know this is not your fault.

And all I want…
Is to tell you I love you and make you wanna stay.
There’s gotta be a way, ’cause going on without you is killing me everyday.

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?
(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(Girl you gotta know I love you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?”

I love the lyrics to this song… And country music, specifically, I can relate to so many song lyrics. This somg’s been in my head the past few days, and so has K…. 

This time of year is especially hard- this is the time of year we broke up, and the holidays are coming… Another year of being single for the holidays- oh joy! 

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

Xoxo Aly.

Therapy

It’s been too long since I’ve written. This right here, this is my therapy. This is where I can come to speak my mind and heart. Even if no one is listening, even if it’s just for myself, to get these things going on inside of me out into the universe, that’s perfectly fine by me.

I stopped writing on here after I found out K did get married. Ugh- it still stings to even write it out. And just like every other thing in life I don’t want to face or deal with, I ran away from blogging so that I wouldn’t have to. Funny how one little personality trait can manifest in so many aspects. Really though- I hate “talks” in relationships, I avoid conflict with anyone like it’s the plague, if someone asks me out and I don’t want to hurt their feelings by saying “No” I just don’t respond… And I stopped writing to avoid dealing with talking about how finding out he was married crushed me. It doesn’t change the facts. I knew it would come… I guess I just wasn’t ready to open my heart and mind for a while, while I digested it. I haven’t been ready to face this hurting, but I think I need to now.

For about 3 months, I didn’t do so well. It wasn’t quite as dark as when I found out he had gotten engaged. At least the engagement itself was a clue that marriage was coming. But what could I do? Nothing. There was nothing I could have done, so I started to accept it and let go. I guess I shouldn’t use past tense, huh? I have been doing better. I am doing better. But I am human, and these feelings will never leave me. This scar will always be there, He will always be a sore spot for me, his name and memory will always be a tender area in my heart.

And today was tough. It was a really, really hard day. Work was rough- I don’t think I really like my new job very much. The people are nice enough, but just the feel of the offices I just don’t like.. I’m really feeling lonely today as well. I’m crying as I type- it’s been a few weeks since I’ve cried over K, I think. Everything is a lesson, I know I know… I’ll “do better next time”.. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This hurt has not gotten any better or easier. I think I’m just learned to cope and deal with it better. This hole in my heart still hurts as bad as it did 3 years ago when I first began realizing my regrets about letting go of K. It feels like a hole going right through the middle of me, ripping me apart from the inside out.

These days are further and further between now. So I guess that’s progress. Gosh- I was doing so good this weekend. Really, the last two weeks have been excellent. Why did today have to go this way? There were no triggers, that I can think of. Nothing different than any other day. I kind of think of it as a bubble that’s deep down, and every once in a while, that bubble is going to rise to the surface. As long as something is there, it’s always going to continue to bubble up. Like magma and a volcano…

Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better. I’ll fall asleep fast from all this crying, and I won’t dream of him, and tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, these tears and this pain tonight will seem like the dream…

xoxo Aly

Sleepless Nights for a Restless Mind

It’s been two and a half weeks now, since my learning that K is married. It took a few days to set in, or maybe it was just all the crying-myself-to-sleep business, but I have found myself struggling with insomnia…

Like a long lost friend, it’s back and in full force. Restless mind, restless body.  Tossing, turning, flipping over. No matter if I’ve had a busy day or a mellow one, each night I find myself wide awake in my bed, trying to sleep because the world doesn’t stop or wait for my little old problem to pass.

I haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while… Maybe that would help… The sleeping anyway…

Emotionally, I’m completely closed off. As awful as it may sound, (and please don’t read this as me being dramatic over here), my soul feels dead. Black, voidless, empty. Closed off and sealed away maybe. But to me, it feels like my soul has died. Well, a part of it maybe… Not the whole thing, but a big chunk… 

I still have faith that God has a plan and a future for me. It’s hard to imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. And it’s even harder to think that one day I won’t still hurt over K. I really can’t imagine not living with this pain and heartache. But I wish it could happen already…

I HATE that he’s married. I hate thinking about it. Any time it crosses my mind, I feel this hole in my stomach. And I can’t stand thinking about her at all. Picturing them or their wedding or their new house together or her living with my dog I bought K. That should have been me, not her. 

Ugh.. Will I ever get past it? Will I ever forgive myself? What must it be like to have no regret weighing on me all the time?? 

Enough random ramblings for the night? Maybe writing this all out will help me finally get some sleep tonight…

I doubt it…

Xoxo Aly

Fears

It’s been more than six and a half years since K and I broke up. ((Gosh, has it really been so long?!))

More than 3 and a half years since I was able to realize my mistake and started living with this daily regret.

Two weeks since W Day. 

I’ve cried it out. Drank it away. Prayed and wished to forget him, to not remember him at all because, as awful as it is, I would rather not remember him anymore than keep living with this hurt. Especially now that he is officially married.

God… He’s married…

I’ve been living with this regret so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to live without it.

I’ve tried moving on, dating guys, ignoring/not thinking about it or him. 

I know God has someone for me, even if it’s not K like I had hoped. And I know one day I’ll have a family, babies and a husband… As always, my fears are that I will never get over K.

That one day my future husband will come to know or resent the fact that I wished he was some other man. Or that my future kids will find out I wanted someone else more than their own father. That I wished they were my kids with another man…

You see, I can’t imagine not caring or getting over K. I can’t imagine getting to that point where I won’t regret it or think about it anymore… It’s an unwanted second-nature to me. He’ll always be there. In the back of my mind, tucked away in a deep corner of my heart…

And I fear the consequences that will lead to in my future.

Do I sound completely crazy yet? Am I making and sense at all??

Well, I’ve been crying while writing this entire post, so I’m going to go straighten myself out and put on my mask of being OK.

Xoxo aly

Love Purgatory

So I saw this article reposted by a page on Facebook earlier today… And my God, it’s like it was written about me… Literally everything about it, is exactly how I’ve been feeling..

Even if I can’t sometimes find the words to describe how I’m feeling about K and why I haven’t been able to get over him, I think I can say this article says it for me..

Enjoy!

Breakups are always hard because you have to mourn someone you loved and lost.

But, time heals everything, and eventually, you’ll meet someone else. Eventually, that former lover will become a distant memory.

But, this kind of breakup is not the same. This breakup happened with a person who, no matter what you do, you cannot get over.

Not a day goes by that this person doesn’t cross your mind and your heart feels heavy.

It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad.

So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself.

That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her.

Then you are right back to square one.

There are so many people who come in and out of your life. Some you date briefly and never give a second thought to, and some you like a lot, but it doesn’t work out.

Then, there are some who crush you, who take months to get over.

But this is different; this is the feeling you get when you know something has to end right now but isn’t over for good.

You can’t just say, “I wish you the best” and move on. You can’t end that chapter because you know you can’t quit them. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “love purgatory.”

It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together.

Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together.

The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached its potential yet, so it can’t be over.

In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah.

So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again.

You don’t just sit around and listen to sad music and wait though.

You find distractions and push away what you feel in order to be a sane enough human being to function in life.

You meet other amazing, beautiful people with whom you want to work things out, but it never happens because something is off. He or she just isn’t _____ (fill in the blank with your person).

“She’s not Rachel,” is the famous line from “Friends.”

Although, it actually went more like, “She’s not Rachem,” for laughs. And, that is what this person, who has kept you in love purgatory, makes you feel; no one can ever compare.

Because when you know, you know. That connection comes around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.

Your friends think you’re crazy, and you yourself feel crazy. Why, in a world full of billions of other people, are you allowing one to keep holding you back. You can’t answer that question.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” — Blaise Pascal

Some people meet someone, date, fall in love and live happily ever after.

Many others are not quite so fortunate. Some of us have to fight, breakup, makeup and go through hell with our person until it finally works out.

Maybe the problem is, again, timing. Maybe you have to learn and grow more before you can settle down.

Whatever the problem is, you know that eventually, the two of you will find each other again.

Because like Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Mr. Big, Allie and Noah and all the great love stories from movies and television, there are just some people who you can’t let go of and never will.

But, until you find your way back, you miserably sit in love purgatory, hoping to find someone or something to keep you occupied long enough to not self-destruct.

Some people will be outraged about this and think, “This is not how love is supposed to be,” or, “If you were mature about love it wouldn’t be this hard.”

But I beg to disagree, and would counter with, “How do you know?” Just because things were easy for you doesn’t mean they will be easier for everyone else.

People are very complicated and love is sometimes messy.

If it’s not that way for you, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means your path was easier.

For those of us currently in love purgatory, we will one day be with our person, too.

credit elitedaily

http://trendingstylist.com/love-purgatory/

xoxo Aly