Her.

I hate her. Yes, hate. A woman I’ve never met and probably never will. 

I hate that she is yours, and you are hers. I hate that I was too late and you had already moved on. I hate that I was too late, more than I actually hate her.

I feel like a moth, drawn to the flame that is you. And I hate it; I don’t want to be consumed by thoughts of you anymore. But like that moth, I can’t help it. It hurts. Thoughts of you. Thoughts of her. Thoughts of your marriage. That is my flame, my fire. Blinding me, consuming me. I can’t get away from it. 

I can’t think of you without thinking of her. Your wife, now. It makes me sick. I hate it. 

Maybe it’s just jealousy. She gets you, for the rest of your lives. Maybe it’s just that you found love again, after me, while I feel as if I am not capable of loving again. My mind can’t even fathom in my wildest dreams that I will find someone as good as you, let alone someone better. 

I honestly don’t feel like I can love anymore, no matter how much I desperately want to. It’s not logical, I know, but it’s how I honestly feel.

She better not take you for granted, ever. She better know how lucky she is. 

Xo A

Valentine’s Day Breakup

The day of love and lovers. The day that’s set aside to show your partner how much you care and appreciate them. I wonder how many people can actually say they break up on Valentine’s Day though??

Well apparently I am not a part of that club. Welcome back to singledom! Hey, but at least this relationship lasted 4 months (compared to the last “relationship”- if you can even call it that- that last 3 days officially and 1 month between all the disappearing and whatnot). 4 months is progress! 

So you all wana hear what happened?! I wish I could tell you some juicy story but in reality, I have no clue what happened with him.. Everything was going good, and then about 3 weeks ago he started acting off- making little comments and acting weird in ways that seemed like he did NOT want a relationship.. Little things that kept adding up, so the point where I had a feeling this would not last in the long run. 

Last week something came up and I went over to his house to discuss. I was irritated and he could tell, and when I was asking him questions, he just stared at me… Wouldn’t break eye contact but wouldn’t really respond back. So things left unsettled for the most part.. I didn’t see him again until Friday night, when I went to spend the night. Things were ok. We watched a movie and I fell asleep in the middle of it. 

Saturday we had plans to go to a wine tasting event with a group of friends, and I thought we were having a good time. One little thing happened there- I went to go get us a snack and came back to find he drank the rest of my wine! Who wouldn’t be a little irritated, right?! But I got over it and tried to keep having a good time. Another side note, our friend S asked me about sushi on Sunday night. Apparently my boyfriend made plans with them to go to sushi Sunday night and he never mentioned it to me. She invited me, but my own boyfriend never said anything to me about it… After we left the wine tasting event, we all went to get some food and then went back to our friends house. By the time we got there is was around 5 pm (still early for a Saturday night!). My friend poured me a glass of wine and we were hanged by out.. And immediately he wanted to leave.. Eventually our friends talked him into staying and he went to lay down in their room for a while, but eventually he came out to socialize and we were playing drinking games and joking around.. And I thought we were fine until we left around 9 pm… On the ride back to his house, he was quiet. When we got inside, I started hating ready for bed and when I come out of the bathroom, he is walking out of the bedroom to the living room with a pillow and blanket. So I asked him, “where are you going?” In a confused tone. He said “I can’t sleep.” So I figured he was just going to watch tv or get on his computer, but 5 minutes later I go into the living room and he is in the dark, laying on the couch (obviously going to sleep on the couch). So I ask him again “you ok?” And he says “I can’t sleep in there,” so I asked “do you want me to go?” He didn’t respond. So I say, “hello??” And he said “what?” And so I asked again, “do you want me to leave?” Annunciating each word. And he didn’t respond again! So I’m pissed at this point, so I go pack up my stuff (loudly- he could obviously hear what I was doing), and I bring my bags to the living room. I walked over to him, kissed his forehead and tell him to go sleep in his bed. And I left! I’m not going to stay and sleep in a separate room. If he feels like he can’t sleep in the same room with me, that’s fine but I’ll go to my OWN house and sleep in MY bed…

So that was Saturday night. Now obviously Sunday was Valentine’s Day. He had to work 7 am to 3 pm. And I figured he would be mad I left, but he would still be the boyfriend I thought I knew, and at least text me “happy Valentine’s Day”. By 10 am, nothing. Noon, nothing. Finally at 3 pm I get a text: “off work. Gunna nap.” That’s it. So I responded back “took a nap too. Hope you had a good day at work.” And then nothing else. My friend S texted me a it sushi, and I told her I didn’t think I was going to go. And while I was texting her, my boyfriend texts her that he isn’t going to make it. Not me. Her! 30 mins later he finally says “S asked about sushi. Told her I’m not going to go.” So I responded, “oh.. Is something up?” 

And that’s literally the last thing I have heard from him. Nothing else on Valentine’s Day. Just those 2, short, curt and very rude texts. And it’s been 2 days since then, and I haven’t heard a work from him. Nothing.

So I’m assuming that means you don’t want to be with me anymore but your too much of a coward to say it outright? We are adults. You need to act like it. I’ll be fine, I’m a big girl, and honestly I’ve been through worse. But it’s just confusing because things had been good and nothing big really happened! I have no answers.. But honestly, I don’t like this behavior and how he acted this weekend really hurt me. I don’t think things could be fixed or go back to how they were at the beginning anyway… I’ll be fine. 

My question now is do I just cut ties and assume it’s over? Do I wait to see if he reaches out? Do I reach out and end it first? Ugh idk.. 

Talk soon-

Xoxo Aly.

Lonely

Being lonely is awful. As human beings, we were created to have companions. All of us crave companionship. And when we go through times of being “alone” it can really get to us.

For the most part, I’ve enjoyed my time being single these last few years. Yes, I do want a relationship (when the right one for me comes along). Yes, I do want to settle down and have a family (very badly, but I would rather keep waiting than settle). But every once in a while, the loneliness creeps in and gets to me.

It sucks. And, for me at least, it’s times like these that make it hard to stay strong. I crave attention and companionship. We all do! And day after day, having no one special to text with, or hug, or kiss, or love… It sucks! And I find myself thinking of past interests.. 

“Oh he was really into me- maybe I didn’t give him a honest chance before..” Or “oh, he was really fun to hang out with- I bet he would be interested if I texted him…” 

Is it just me who does this? It’s hard for me to tell if I’m really genuinely wanting to give a guy another shot at dating, or if it’s just loneliness pushing me to think back to the last time someone showed me any attention…

Like Mat. I’ve really been praying and trying to figure out if I really want to give things another shot with him or if I’m just feeling lonely. He was a great, genuinely good guy. On paper, he met a lot of my major wants in a partner. But before I never felt physical/sexual attraction to him. I know I wasn’t fully open towards him last year when we casually dated, and part of me was still very shattered over K’s engagement… Would things be different if we tried dating again? Assuming he would even want to, that is. I’m sure he would be guarded since I kind of just broke things off out of the blue, to him at least.

Being lonely is awful. It makes me feel so down, about myself and life in general. I wish I had someone here with me to be affectionate with. To cuddle, and talk to, and kiss…

It will be soooo nice once I finally get those things.. One day.. Lol

Xoxo Aly

Coinsidenses

So I ran into Mat, the guy I dated for a few months at the end of last year.. We have mutual friends, so we ran into each other at a Halloween party over the weekend..

When we first were set up by a mutual friend, it was weird how it came about. I was literally in the middle of hard core crying over K and praying about God bringing a good man into my life. And right away, my friend texted me about going on a double date. Coincidence..? 

I gave it a shot, and he met a lot of my checklist for qualities I would want in a life partner, but over the two months or so we casually dated, I wasn’t sure if I felt any physical attraction to him. And meanwhile, I could tell he was starting to get very invested… So I cut him off and ended things because I didn’t want to lead him on if I wasn’t feeling the same.

And then earlier this year we ran into each other at our mutual friends house, and he invited me to hangout. This was the time I got super drunk off wine and ended up telling him about K and how I wasn’t over him and always had hoped one day we would get back together, and that I had been going through a hard time after learning of his engagement (I used this as the excuse for why I broke things off last year). Side note- of the several people I’ve casually dates, he is the only one I’ve told about K. I was drunk and crying and emotional, at the time, but maybe it’s another sign that he would be the only person I kind of opened up to…?

Now it just so happens that I’m pretty sure he is the one from whom I found out K had gotten married. I don’t even know for sure if he knows my ex, but this last time I saw him (when we both got wine drunk and I opened up to him a little about “my ex”), he mentioned a person with K’s name who had gotten married on May 30th. The day after this conversation, I found out my K had gotten married on that day, and K had a very unique name. So it’s just another weird sign that he would be the one to inadvertently tell me about K getting married…

I don’t want to read too much into it, or pursue him until I’m sure. I don’t want to hurt him or anything again. Maybe since I am finally ready and wanting to move on from K, my mind is again looking back to the last time I had something “good” which was Mat. Maybe I didn’t give him a really chance before and that’s why I didn’t feel attraction to him (even though he had a lot of qualities I would want in a man)? I don’t know… 

But since I saw him saturday, all day yesterday I had it on my mind and heart. During church, it just stayed on my mind. So I texted him last night. My first text I apologized if I was the reason he left the party early or if it was awkward, and he responded that it was just because his sober driving was leaving at that time. And I responded that it looked like everyone had fun. He didn’t respond to that, and half an hour or so later I sent a long text just apologizing for the times I just disappeared and that I had been going through some stuff then, and he never responded to that. I’m sure he saw it. I was just trying to clear the air and own up to anything I had done wrong back then. Not necessarily saying it in a way that I wanted to date again (I don’t even know if I would want that). But maybe he took it that way and he isn’t responding because he is now guarded because I already kind of hurt him once…?

I’m praying about it, but I feel confused… :/

Xoxo Aly.

Halloween Night

Today marks one year since I found out K was engaged. Seems like a lifetime ago… And yesterday marked 5 months since they got married..

It’s been such a tough week. I’ve really been struggling. I need to let go of all this. I want to be over him. I don’t want to keep living my life this way. I don’t know what else I can do though.. 

6 years, 1 month since he and I broke up. 3 years, 1 month since I realized I still loved him and the regrets set in. 1 year since I found out they were engaged. 5 months since they got married. This is what my life has come to… Fixating and counting on all these days..

When does it stop? When do i get to move on? Why can’t I forget? When do I get to find someone and be happy too?

Everyone likes to say “Time heals all wounds” but does it really?? When?! I’ve yet to experience it, even though I pray for it every day. For a long time I didn’t want to be over him… But I do now, and I have wanted to for a long time too… 

I don’t understand why I still am so hurt and upset and regretful.. It’s been sooooo long. He’s a stranger to me, now. He’s a distant memory from my past, or at least he should be. I don’t know him anymore. I haven’t seen him in years… 

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of this hurt inside of me. It’s like a huge hole right through the center of me, that won’t heal. 

I want to forget him. Or at least not care anymore. Why can’t he be like any of my other exes in my mind? I don’t think about them, or care about what they’re doing. I never even cried after breaking up with J…. 

But here I am, laying in bed on Halloween night, feeling like a crazy person, crying over a man I loved 6 years ago. Doesn’t help that I am feeling really insecure about my body today. I feel fat and unattractive.. Ugh.. Something needs to change..

Happy fucking Halloween. 

Xoxo Aly.

Therapy

It’s been too long since I’ve written. This right here, this is my therapy. This is where I can come to speak my mind and heart. Even if no one is listening, even if it’s just for myself, to get these things going on inside of me out into the universe, that’s perfectly fine by me.

I stopped writing on here after I found out K did get married. Ugh- it still stings to even write it out. And just like every other thing in life I don’t want to face or deal with, I ran away from blogging so that I wouldn’t have to. Funny how one little personality trait can manifest in so many aspects. Really though- I hate “talks” in relationships, I avoid conflict with anyone like it’s the plague, if someone asks me out and I don’t want to hurt their feelings by saying “No” I just don’t respond… And I stopped writing to avoid dealing with talking about how finding out he was married crushed me. It doesn’t change the facts. I knew it would come… I guess I just wasn’t ready to open my heart and mind for a while, while I digested it. I haven’t been ready to face this hurting, but I think I need to now.

For about 3 months, I didn’t do so well. It wasn’t quite as dark as when I found out he had gotten engaged. At least the engagement itself was a clue that marriage was coming. But what could I do? Nothing. There was nothing I could have done, so I started to accept it and let go. I guess I shouldn’t use past tense, huh? I have been doing better. I am doing better. But I am human, and these feelings will never leave me. This scar will always be there, He will always be a sore spot for me, his name and memory will always be a tender area in my heart.

And today was tough. It was a really, really hard day. Work was rough- I don’t think I really like my new job very much. The people are nice enough, but just the feel of the offices I just don’t like.. I’m really feeling lonely today as well. I’m crying as I type- it’s been a few weeks since I’ve cried over K, I think. Everything is a lesson, I know I know… I’ll “do better next time”.. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This hurt has not gotten any better or easier. I think I’m just learned to cope and deal with it better. This hole in my heart still hurts as bad as it did 3 years ago when I first began realizing my regrets about letting go of K. It feels like a hole going right through the middle of me, ripping me apart from the inside out.

These days are further and further between now. So I guess that’s progress. Gosh- I was doing so good this weekend. Really, the last two weeks have been excellent. Why did today have to go this way? There were no triggers, that I can think of. Nothing different than any other day. I kind of think of it as a bubble that’s deep down, and every once in a while, that bubble is going to rise to the surface. As long as something is there, it’s always going to continue to bubble up. Like magma and a volcano…

Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better. I’ll fall asleep fast from all this crying, and I won’t dream of him, and tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, these tears and this pain tonight will seem like the dream…

xoxo Aly

Sleepless Nights for a Restless Mind

It’s been two and a half weeks now, since my learning that K is married. It took a few days to set in, or maybe it was just all the crying-myself-to-sleep business, but I have found myself struggling with insomnia…

Like a long lost friend, it’s back and in full force. Restless mind, restless body.  Tossing, turning, flipping over. No matter if I’ve had a busy day or a mellow one, each night I find myself wide awake in my bed, trying to sleep because the world doesn’t stop or wait for my little old problem to pass.

I haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while… Maybe that would help… The sleeping anyway…

Emotionally, I’m completely closed off. As awful as it may sound, (and please don’t read this as me being dramatic over here), my soul feels dead. Black, voidless, empty. Closed off and sealed away maybe. But to me, it feels like my soul has died. Well, a part of it maybe… Not the whole thing, but a big chunk… 

I still have faith that God has a plan and a future for me. It’s hard to imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. And it’s even harder to think that one day I won’t still hurt over K. I really can’t imagine not living with this pain and heartache. But I wish it could happen already…

I HATE that he’s married. I hate thinking about it. Any time it crosses my mind, I feel this hole in my stomach. And I can’t stand thinking about her at all. Picturing them or their wedding or their new house together or her living with my dog I bought K. That should have been me, not her. 

Ugh.. Will I ever get past it? Will I ever forgive myself? What must it be like to have no regret weighing on me all the time?? 

Enough random ramblings for the night? Maybe writing this all out will help me finally get some sleep tonight…

I doubt it…

Xoxo Aly

Fears

It’s been more than six and a half years since K and I broke up. ((Gosh, has it really been so long?!))

More than 3 and a half years since I was able to realize my mistake and started living with this daily regret.

Two weeks since W Day. 

I’ve cried it out. Drank it away. Prayed and wished to forget him, to not remember him at all because, as awful as it is, I would rather not remember him anymore than keep living with this hurt. Especially now that he is officially married.

God… He’s married…

I’ve been living with this regret so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to live without it.

I’ve tried moving on, dating guys, ignoring/not thinking about it or him. 

I know God has someone for me, even if it’s not K like I had hoped. And I know one day I’ll have a family, babies and a husband… As always, my fears are that I will never get over K.

That one day my future husband will come to know or resent the fact that I wished he was some other man. Or that my future kids will find out I wanted someone else more than their own father. That I wished they were my kids with another man…

You see, I can’t imagine not caring or getting over K. I can’t imagine getting to that point where I won’t regret it or think about it anymore… It’s an unwanted second-nature to me. He’ll always be there. In the back of my mind, tucked away in a deep corner of my heart…

And I fear the consequences that will lead to in my future.

Do I sound completely crazy yet? Am I making and sense at all??

Well, I’ve been crying while writing this entire post, so I’m going to go straighten myself out and put on my mask of being OK.

Xoxo aly

Love Purgatory

So I saw this article reposted by a page on Facebook earlier today… And my God, it’s like it was written about me… Literally everything about it, is exactly how I’ve been feeling..

Even if I can’t sometimes find the words to describe how I’m feeling about K and why I haven’t been able to get over him, I think I can say this article says it for me..

Enjoy!

Breakups are always hard because you have to mourn someone you loved and lost.

But, time heals everything, and eventually, you’ll meet someone else. Eventually, that former lover will become a distant memory.

But, this kind of breakup is not the same. This breakup happened with a person who, no matter what you do, you cannot get over.

Not a day goes by that this person doesn’t cross your mind and your heart feels heavy.

It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad.

So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself.

That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her.

Then you are right back to square one.

There are so many people who come in and out of your life. Some you date briefly and never give a second thought to, and some you like a lot, but it doesn’t work out.

Then, there are some who crush you, who take months to get over.

But this is different; this is the feeling you get when you know something has to end right now but isn’t over for good.

You can’t just say, “I wish you the best” and move on. You can’t end that chapter because you know you can’t quit them. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “love purgatory.”

It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together.

Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together.

The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached its potential yet, so it can’t be over.

In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah.

So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again.

You don’t just sit around and listen to sad music and wait though.

You find distractions and push away what you feel in order to be a sane enough human being to function in life.

You meet other amazing, beautiful people with whom you want to work things out, but it never happens because something is off. He or she just isn’t _____ (fill in the blank with your person).

“She’s not Rachel,” is the famous line from “Friends.”

Although, it actually went more like, “She’s not Rachem,” for laughs. And, that is what this person, who has kept you in love purgatory, makes you feel; no one can ever compare.

Because when you know, you know. That connection comes around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.

Your friends think you’re crazy, and you yourself feel crazy. Why, in a world full of billions of other people, are you allowing one to keep holding you back. You can’t answer that question.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” — Blaise Pascal

Some people meet someone, date, fall in love and live happily ever after.

Many others are not quite so fortunate. Some of us have to fight, breakup, makeup and go through hell with our person until it finally works out.

Maybe the problem is, again, timing. Maybe you have to learn and grow more before you can settle down.

Whatever the problem is, you know that eventually, the two of you will find each other again.

Because like Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Mr. Big, Allie and Noah and all the great love stories from movies and television, there are just some people who you can’t let go of and never will.

But, until you find your way back, you miserably sit in love purgatory, hoping to find someone or something to keep you occupied long enough to not self-destruct.

Some people will be outraged about this and think, “This is not how love is supposed to be,” or, “If you were mature about love it wouldn’t be this hard.”

But I beg to disagree, and would counter with, “How do you know?” Just because things were easy for you doesn’t mean they will be easier for everyone else.

People are very complicated and love is sometimes messy.

If it’s not that way for you, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means your path was easier.

For those of us currently in love purgatory, we will one day be with our person, too.

credit elitedaily

http://trendingstylist.com/love-purgatory/

xoxo Aly

Balance

It’s been 7 days since K got married. 4 days since I found out.

I am going through ups and downs… It’s mostly at night that I cry. Driving home from work. Laying in bed while trying to fall asleep. During the rest of my days, I just feel numb. My heart feels dead. I don’t feel anything in my heart anymore. Except the occasional sharp, stabbing pain when I remember that this is real.

I got some great news that I finally got a temporary (90 day) job at a hospital. I’ve been trying for over 2 years to get hired on at one of the local hospitals. Just as reception/front desk. So that’s great. I’m really excited and happy, because I’ve been so down on myself lately. Feeling like I have nothing going for me. And then God sends me this gift of a job.. He must have known I really needed it…

But I can’t help but be sad… What wouldn’t I give up or trade to have it be me he was with, married to?

He’s married.

He’s married.

He’s married.

I keep telling myself. Well, I go back and forth between telling myself, and not allowing my mind to even think about him and it.

It’s real. I get it. I know it. But at the same time it doesn’t feel real.

It hurts too much. Does it sound awful that I wish I didn’t remember him?? I pray, over and over, to forget, to not remember, to not care…

I’m tired of hurting. I don’t know what it’s like to not hurt, to not regret, to be happy…

Funny how like tries to balance itself out, isn’t it? Find out one day the worst news possible, then the very next day get a call for an interview and offered the job 2 days later. Not ideal, but the job is probably the best of things that could possibly happen for me right now. The best and the worst, just days apart.

*sigh*

hope everyone is having a nice weekend so far..

xo Aly.