A darkness

There is a darkness in me. It pulses deep down in a dark corner somewhere inside of me. It’s there. I first glimpsed it when I was 15 or so. My first real dark moment in my life… Life leaves it’s marks in all of us. I still struggle daily with fighting off the despair and grief that so easily can rise to the surface. At any moment, I could break out in tears, if I give in to it. Right now. 

It’s sadistically comical how I used to have to hide my emotions and true feelings from people like my ex J- I constantly had to act like I didn’t care about K still, so much so that I literally disconnected with everything in my life and my emotions to the point of feeling like I had woken out of a coma when I finally broke up with him. I had to deny to him and myself what I really felt, for over 3 years.

And now I feel like I’m having to do the same. I literally coach myself on a daily basis to either not think about K (as soon as my mind goes to him, I make myself put it out of my mind and reject any thoughts of him), or I train my brain to consciously think of him while focusing my emotions on feeling indifferent or numb or uncaring. Is this awful to say? 

It’s been 6 years and I can still burst into tears on a dime over him. This pain, this darkness, will always be with me. I know in my heart, this is not ever going to go away. I will always have my regrets when it comes to him. I’m just now trying to learn or reach myself how to live with it. How to function. How to not be consumed by my grief and regret and sadness.

I pray that I could forget him and everything about him. I wish I could forget everything about him, our relationship, everything. I wish I could take all memory of him out of me. 

I’m tired of this. No one likes being in pain, but it’s been so many years of this! I’m tired of hurting and crying and regretting and thinking of him. The hurt is not going away, it’s not getting better.

I honestly just wish I could erase him from my memory… 

Balance

It’s been 7 days since K got married. 4 days since I found out.

I am going through ups and downs… It’s mostly at night that I cry. Driving home from work. Laying in bed while trying to fall asleep. During the rest of my days, I just feel numb. My heart feels dead. I don’t feel anything in my heart anymore. Except the occasional sharp, stabbing pain when I remember that this is real.

I got some great news that I finally got a temporary (90 day) job at a hospital. I’ve been trying for over 2 years to get hired on at one of the local hospitals. Just as reception/front desk. So that’s great. I’m really excited and happy, because I’ve been so down on myself lately. Feeling like I have nothing going for me. And then God sends me this gift of a job.. He must have known I really needed it…

But I can’t help but be sad… What wouldn’t I give up or trade to have it be me he was with, married to?

He’s married.

He’s married.

He’s married.

I keep telling myself. Well, I go back and forth between telling myself, and not allowing my mind to even think about him and it.

It’s real. I get it. I know it. But at the same time it doesn’t feel real.

It hurts too much. Does it sound awful that I wish I didn’t remember him?? I pray, over and over, to forget, to not remember, to not care…

I’m tired of hurting. I don’t know what it’s like to not hurt, to not regret, to be happy…

Funny how like tries to balance itself out, isn’t it? Find out one day the worst news possible, then the very next day get a call for an interview and offered the job 2 days later. Not ideal, but the job is probably the best of things that could possibly happen for me right now. The best and the worst, just days apart.

*sigh*

hope everyone is having a nice weekend so far..

xo Aly.

Dark Dreams

I found out today, K is married now. He got married on Saturday. I cried for over an hour. Hyperventilating. Sick to my stomach. Felt like I was going to pass out.

Now, I just feel like I’m in a dream. This can’t be my reality…

I feel that hole in my stomach, in my soul. Jagged, sharp, hurting, and hollow.

I knew this day would come. I’ve been dreading it for 3 years. When I found out last October that he was engaged, I took it hard, but there was still that tiny glimmer of hope in my soul.

And now that’s crushed too.

Dust in the wind.

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.

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-A.

A Case of the Holiday Blues

Christmas is just a few days away, and I’m excited to spend some extra time with my family (assuming I get the day off work, which is still up in the air). But I can’t help but feel a little down lately…

As much as I said I didn’t have my hopes up about texting K on his birthday the other day, I think it still bummed me out that we didn’t talk really. All it was, was me saying ‘happy birthday K’, he didn’t reply until the next morning when he said “thank you :)’ and so I just said ‘:)’. I didn’t expect anything, I was even surprised that he responded at all, but i guess I really did hope that we would talk more.. I guess I could have said more once he did reply, but I don’t want to be pushy…

I know it probably sounds weird, but I just feel like he is the only one who understands what I’m feeling… He’s been there. He’s felt what I’m feeling now. I know he was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. I know he waited for along time, and hoped for a long time… And then once he was able to let go and move on, then I was the one feeling those things…. I just wish I could talk to him and maybe get some closure… Like what I was trying to get back in May when we last talked, when I was basically asking him to be harsh and tell me there was no chance ever for us again (which he didn’t do- trying to be nice or spare my feelings or whatever).

Well, a month and a half after that he proposed, so I don’t see what the big deal was and why he couldn’t have just flat out told me NO. And I know that’s my answer, but I still just feel like talking to him might help me let go. I wish I could ask him how long it took him before he was able to let me go and move on from me. Maybe that would give me some clue as to when I will finally be over him. Maybe it took him 2 and a half years, so maybe in another 3 months (when I reach 2 and a half years of missing him) I’ll be able to not care anymore.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really feel stupid for not being able to move on. I cried earlier, after hearing a country song (“What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen). It’s literally exactly what I’m feeling. He’s engaged and I still keep hoping deep down that there may still be a chance. I’m delusional…

I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be, God has someone better planned for me, maybe it wasn’t as good or a true as my mind is making it out to be… I tell myself all these things and more to help myself move on and let go. But it isn’t helping. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling, even though I know it should, especially since he’s engaged now. He wants her. Maybe if I say it enough, I will get it..?

I was thinking about it the other day, and I think numb is the exactly right word for how I feel. All the time. Numb. Closed off. I don’t let people in, not right now, I can’t. I’ve been hurting so long, so somehow I just shut down. I don’t expect anything from any of the new guys I meet. I didn’t expect K to talk to when when I texted him the other day (and he didn’t). I don’t really feel excited about anything. I think the only time I feel anything else is when I’m with my baby nephew or my two nieces. And even then, it’s only temporary….

I want love. I want anything to take away from the sadness, regret, loneliness, and heartache that I constantly feel. I guess you could even say I want to be distracted from all the things I still feel for and about K. But I also just want to feel love again just to experience that high you get, who wouldn’t? I want someone who i can turn to, open up to, to comfort me when I need it. To be my equal and walk side by side with me in my life… I want babies. My biological clock has been ticking for over a year now, and I feel the ache of not having babies. I see my older sister and my cousins all with their babies, and I long for the time when it’s my turn…

Gosh, how much longer do I have to suffer?! Why do I still care? Why do I still cry over him, still want him, still hope there is a way it will work out???

Maybe with the new year coming I’ll be able to find a way to get a new beginning….

xoxo Aly

Replay

One of the worst things about K being engaged, and me finally knowing, is that my brain keeps replaying the fact that I was so close to being the one he was proposing to.

My brain keeps replaying the fact that my mom told me that he had been saving up for a ring. For me. He was going to propose. He told her…

And now he’s engaged to someone else.

Because I was so stupid and selfish, all those years ago, and I left. I knew it, even as I was ending it, that I was making a mistake. That I should stop saying what I was saying and ask him to forgive me and work it out.

And now it’s too late.

It’s not me he is wanting to spend the rest of his life with, it’s her. Liz.

She’ll be the one to have his babies and grow old with him… She better know how luck she is…

Since the minute I woke up this morning, tears have just been falling down my face. I can’t stop them. It’s like my eyes are leaking…

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I truly hate my life right now.

I’m cursed when it comes to love.

God help me when I find out they actually are married.

-A.

My Deepest Dread come True

I was going to get on here and tell you all about my last few weeks and the wonderful time I had on a vacation/holiday. But instead I need to get out my hurt and pain. K is engaged. I saw it right before I came on here to post about my cruise trip.

My heart feel like it’s been stabbed by an icicle. Or seared with a white hot fire poker. I tried to prepare myself for this… I knew it would come, someday. But it hurts so bad. I felt like i was punched in the gut. I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up at the same time. I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

It’s kind of ironic because just earlier today I was talking to a friend who is going through a rough break up about how I sometimes think about how different my life would be today if I hadn’t broken up with K. How I’m sure we would have been married and maybe even had a baby by now…

God…. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad… Just after getting home from my trip, I should be happy.. and all I feel now is like my heart is broken all over again. I can’t stop crying…

My regret is just overwhelming. I did this. I was too late.. It’s my fault that I’m here in this situation… God, I can’t help but hate myself a little bit.. I know, it all happened so long ago, and I was young, but if I hadn’t been so fucked up, we could have worked it out, and it would be me he was marrying… Not her. It’s unbearable. I don’t know how to deal with this.

I just feel like I was finally free of my depression, and now I’m probably going to spiral back into it. I feel sick to my stomach.

He proposed in July, and either just now put it up, or it just now became visible for me since I’m not Facebook friends with him.

Oh God… I’m just going to go.. I don’t know what else to say.

-A.

Country

I’m a huge country music fan… Wasn’t always, but now I love it! I just got back from seeing Miranda Lambert (she was amazing btw!).. Something about country music is just so up beat and up lifting. I can really relate in some way to every country song…

It helps keep me positive about life and love when I’m feeling sad.. But on the other hand, it makes me think of K… He was a country boy. Every song reminds me of him. And hearing all the love songs and seeing all the cute couples at the country concerts make me sad about him. Or just sad because I don’t have anyone (guy) there with me, singing me those love lyrics, dancing with me to those song. But since i associate country music with K, it mostly just makes me think about him and wish I could have gotten another chance with him…

It’s kind of funny because when K and I dated, I hated country music! I couldn’t stand it.. Now it’s all I listen to… Guess that’s just one of the many things about me that has changed since K. I’ve grown so much… I just wish I could have been with him like this, how I am now.

I had a good time, but now that I’m home, all I want to do is cry. I am trying to move on. I’m open to it. I’m making myself go on dates.

But I still think about K. I still feel that if he were single, there could be something there. Maybe. But maybe “maybe” is enough for me right now.. I’m keeping my options open, but what can it hurt to keep K as a possible option too? Not holding my breath, but like it or not, he is still here. In my mind and heart.

Call me crazy or whatever, but I still have feelings there… What if they are there for a reason??? What if God has K in mind for my “happily ever after”? Maybe not. But maybe yes. I can’t fully rule it out….

Sorry for rambling… It’s almost 1 am and I’m exhausted…. Maybe I will feel Differently tomorrow…

Xoxo
Aly

It’s okay to feel sad

It’s normal to feel sad sometimes… Right?

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t feel sad. I have a great life. God has blessed me in so many ways, and I know He has something amazing in store for me. He knows my heart- He knows the things I want, and He wants me to have them. My life has taught me that everything really does happen for a reason. Everything works out how it’s supposed to.

But I can’t help but feel sad. I watched a couple shows today about people getting married.. And that’s something I want.. I’m ready for those things… I try and just remind myself that Gods time is perfect and these things will happen…

And I’ve been thinking about K today.. It always makes me sad thinking about him because I was so genuinely happy with him.. I miss having that kind of healthy relationship. I miss talking to him. I miss how comfortable I felt with him. Like we were right together… Maybe some of it is just being in a relationship altogether…. I miss being physically and emotionally close to someone like that. I miss the intimate companionship that relationships have… And I know I’d rather wait for the right guy than just settle to get in a relationship. But it’s still hard, and I’m still morose today..

My heart aches for it. When I finally do get my Mr Right, I know I’ll appreciate it so much more because ill know what it feels like to be without it… Does that make sense? To truly appreciate something you have to feel the weight of knowing what it’s like to be without it…

Idk if I’m making sense… Just needed to get my thoughts out…

~aly