Therapy

It’s been too long since I’ve written. This right here, this is my therapy. This is where I can come to speak my mind and heart. Even if no one is listening, even if it’s just for myself, to get these things going on inside of me out into the universe, that’s perfectly fine by me.

I stopped writing on here after I found out K did get married. Ugh- it still stings to even write it out. And just like every other thing in life I don’t want to face or deal with, I ran away from blogging so that I wouldn’t have to. Funny how one little personality trait can manifest in so many aspects. Really though- I hate “talks” in relationships, I avoid conflict with anyone like it’s the plague, if someone asks me out and I don’t want to hurt their feelings by saying “No” I just don’t respond… And I stopped writing to avoid dealing with talking about how finding out he was married crushed me. It doesn’t change the facts. I knew it would come… I guess I just wasn’t ready to open my heart and mind for a while, while I digested it. I haven’t been ready to face this hurting, but I think I need to now.

For about 3 months, I didn’t do so well. It wasn’t quite as dark as when I found out he had gotten engaged. At least the engagement itself was a clue that marriage was coming. But what could I do? Nothing. There was nothing I could have done, so I started to accept it and let go. I guess I shouldn’t use past tense, huh? I have been doing better. I am doing better. But I am human, and these feelings will never leave me. This scar will always be there, He will always be a sore spot for me, his name and memory will always be a tender area in my heart.

And today was tough. It was a really, really hard day. Work was rough- I don’t think I really like my new job very much. The people are nice enough, but just the feel of the offices I just don’t like.. I’m really feeling lonely today as well. I’m crying as I type- it’s been a few weeks since I’ve cried over K, I think. Everything is a lesson, I know I know… I’ll “do better next time”.. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This hurt has not gotten any better or easier. I think I’m just learned to cope and deal with it better. This hole in my heart still hurts as bad as it did 3 years ago when I first began realizing my regrets about letting go of K. It feels like a hole going right through the middle of me, ripping me apart from the inside out.

These days are further and further between now. So I guess that’s progress. Gosh- I was doing so good this weekend. Really, the last two weeks have been excellent. Why did today have to go this way? There were no triggers, that I can think of. Nothing different than any other day. I kind of think of it as a bubble that’s deep down, and every once in a while, that bubble is going to rise to the surface. As long as something is there, it’s always going to continue to bubble up. Like magma and a volcano…

Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better. I’ll fall asleep fast from all this crying, and I won’t dream of him, and tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, these tears and this pain tonight will seem like the dream…

xoxo Aly

Sleepless Nights for a Restless Mind

It’s been two and a half weeks now, since my learning that K is married. It took a few days to set in, or maybe it was just all the crying-myself-to-sleep business, but I have found myself struggling with insomnia…

Like a long lost friend, it’s back and in full force. Restless mind, restless body.  Tossing, turning, flipping over. No matter if I’ve had a busy day or a mellow one, each night I find myself wide awake in my bed, trying to sleep because the world doesn’t stop or wait for my little old problem to pass.

I haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while… Maybe that would help… The sleeping anyway…

Emotionally, I’m completely closed off. As awful as it may sound, (and please don’t read this as me being dramatic over here), my soul feels dead. Black, voidless, empty. Closed off and sealed away maybe. But to me, it feels like my soul has died. Well, a part of it maybe… Not the whole thing, but a big chunk… 

I still have faith that God has a plan and a future for me. It’s hard to imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. And it’s even harder to think that one day I won’t still hurt over K. I really can’t imagine not living with this pain and heartache. But I wish it could happen already…

I HATE that he’s married. I hate thinking about it. Any time it crosses my mind, I feel this hole in my stomach. And I can’t stand thinking about her at all. Picturing them or their wedding or their new house together or her living with my dog I bought K. That should have been me, not her. 

Ugh.. Will I ever get past it? Will I ever forgive myself? What must it be like to have no regret weighing on me all the time?? 

Enough random ramblings for the night? Maybe writing this all out will help me finally get some sleep tonight…

I doubt it…

Xoxo Aly

Night

During the day, with the sun shining, things to do, places to go, it’s easy to be distracted.

When the sun is out, shining and making everything seem bright and cheery, it’s easy to forget.

You have no time in your busy day to sit and dwell.

Or maybe it’s just a welcome excuse not to think about the night and all it brings.

At night, when everything is dark and still, it’s hard to be distracted.

My anxiety peaks. I’m restless. Sad. Lonely.

Alone.

There is no hiding from the darkness in the dark.

Sometimes I feel like the darkness overwhelms the progress I make during the day.

Not to worry, my spirits and mood rises with the sun each morning. And my faith never waivers, no matter what.

But with the night, it’s harder to fight the anxiety. It’s one of the few constants I can think of in my life.

The companion, unwanted, but diligent in its appearance.

Just a few thoughts for the night…..

Xoxo Aly

In Another Life

Happy birthday,
My dear.
I’ve waited a year,
For the one day I have an excuse to talk to you.
Another year older.
Another year passed without you next to me.

How different things could have been-
You and I,
But instead,
I lay in my cold bed,
Alone,
While you smile and laugh with Her.
It could have been us,
Warm together,
Holding hands,
Stealing kisses,
Loving every moment.

I would have made you a cake,
And coffee,
Black,
Just the way you like it.
And I would drink some too,
Because I like it now.
Maybe I would even take a shot of Whiskey,
With you,
Because that’s what you like.

Maybe,
In another life.

Rain

It’s pouring.
All around-
I hear it,
I see it,
I feel it in my soul.

Thunk-thunk-thunk.
Against the windows,
Against the roof,
Against my walls.

It has been going on for a while now.
I can’t remember when it started.
I didn’t notice when,
But I know it now.

Unless you’re really paying attention,
When it first starts,
Unless you’re on the lookout for it,
You don’t notice it.

But eventually you realize it.
The cold seeps in,
The rhythm becomes your lullaby,
The falling droplets hypnotize you.

The rain is all I know now.
Eventually it always stops,
I know that.

But as for now,
It consumes me.

And I find solace in its dreary nature.

New Pastimes

So… I’ve started drawing out ideas for my book.. Gathering names and character profiles, and I’ve even started writing a few small scenes.. Even if nothing ever comes from this, I’m enjoying the distraction that it’s giving me.. I can lose myself in this. And I’m content to let myself do so…

I realized I really hate dating. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.. Sure, I may get a free drink or meal out of it, but I just hate the whole business.. Getting to know someone new, opening up, investing time… And then it all ends out to be for nothing, then on to the next, rewind and repeat. I hate feeling like I’m being fake or being reserved because I’m trying to impress and get to know some new guy and I don’t want to scare him off too soon. And then if I completely be myself, all sarcastic and sometimes pessimistic and whatnot, I feel like it’s not attractive to a new guy to see, so maybe he’ll lose interest. So then I’m back to not showing who I am 100% and it’s exhausting!!! Thinking about what is ok to do or say, and “oh darn! I should not have said that- I sounded like a bitch there for a second.. I hope he didn’t notice!”

Ugh. I’ve seen Mat 3 times within the last week. He is nice… But I don’t know if I feel anything. I haven’t had an urge to kiss him.. We did hold hands last night for a few minutes, but I felt like it was awkward and forced.. He seemed natural with it- he was running his thumb across my fingers gently…

I just don’t know.. I wish dating wasn’t so complicated.

Anyway. I’m glad I am starting this book project.. We’ll see what comes of it…

Xoxo Aly

Writing a Novel

So… I’ve been thinking lately… About writing a novel… It would obviously be a HUGE undertaking.. But I really almost feel a pull to do it…

I’m still brainstorming ideas.. Maybe something loosely reflective of my own past and heartbreaks… Maybe something similar to the story of K and me. I feel like putting myself in an objective, outsider’s stand point while also getting out everything that I have personally been feeling and experiencing.. Maybe it would help me heal. To (kind of) tell my story in a fiction form novel..

Idk.. maybe it sounds kind of crazy… Or stupid…

I have a few ideas of how i would write it.. Make it different and stand out…

Hmm…

Just something to think about…

-A.